Lots has been written about how having a child will change your life, boundless love, sleepless nights yadda yadda yadda. But there is one unexpected change a child will bring:
You will start seeing dog poo.
Before I had children I would happily skip down shit filled streets knee deep in greasy chip wrappers and used condoms. Now I am in charge of small people who can move independently of me the disgusting state of the streets has me on constant alert.
It’s only natural to worry about the environment your children are growing up in especially if it is the kind of environment where they can find a shrivelled dog turd and hand it to you as a gift.
Small children are dumb, very attracted to brightly coloured stuff and nearer the floor than adults. So far my beautiful babies have between them rubbed their faces in yellow snow, chewed on cigarette butts, and collected discarded crisp packets as though they were wonderful treasure.
I cannot tell you how many times all three of us have had a full body rub down with baby wipes in the middle of the street.
The pavements also hold another challenge for new parents. I had envisioned myself walking off my mum tum with all my new baby friends.
Another one to add to:
The List Of Stupid Things I Thought I’d Do Once I Had A Baby
1. Relaxing strolls with baby friends
2. Finish writing book
3. Start writing book
4. Return to work when baby is 3 months old
5. Not pee whenever I sneeze
(It might as well have read cure cancer, dress like a wizard, breed badgers.)
Going for a walk with someone else who has a baby in a pram is a simple idea that is simply impossible.
Instead new parents have to master the complicated art of pushing a pram forwards whilst having a conversation with / shouting loudly at the person directly behind you. Given that the most popular topics for new mums are lumpy tits and sore vaginas this can lead to some disapproving looks from passers-by.
And if walking with a friend is a challenge don’t even think about catching a bus together.
London (Yes Boris I’m talking to you) is one of the best cities in the world for public transport, neither the Olympics or the Paralympics posed a problem for Transport for London but the notion that a mother with a baby in a pram would want to board a bus with other friends who have also have babies in prams is a concept beyond their reckoning.
If you are about to have a baby do yourself a favour – when you put the number for the hospital in your phone add the dog fouling department of your local council as well and save yourself some time later.
Oh and happy turd spotting!