The weirdest way having a baby will change your life.

Lots has been written about how having a child will change your life, boundless love, sleepless nights yadda yadda yadda. But there is one unexpected change a child will bring:

You will start seeing dog poo.


Before I had children I would happily skip down shit filled streets knee deep in greasy chip wrappers and used condoms. Now I am in charge of small people who can move independently of me the disgusting state of the streets has me on constant alert.

It’s only natural to worry about the environment your children are growing up in especially if it is the kind of environment where they can find a shrivelled dog turd and hand it to you as a gift.

Small children are dumb, very attracted to brightly coloured stuff and nearer the floor than adults.  So far my beautiful babies have between them rubbed their faces in yellow snow, chewed on cigarette butts,  and collected discarded crisp packets as though they were wonderful treasure.

I cannot tell you how many times all three of us have had a full body rub down with baby wipes in the middle of the street.

The pavements also hold another challenge for new parents. I had envisioned myself walking off my mum tum with all my new baby friends.

Another one to add to:

The List Of Stupid Things I Thought I’d Do Once I Had A Baby

1. Relaxing strolls with baby friends

2. Finish writing book

3. Start writing book

4. Return to work when baby is 3 months old

5. Not pee whenever I sneeze

(It might as well have read cure cancer, dress like a wizard, breed badgers.)

Going for a walk with someone else who has a baby in a pram is a simple idea that is simply impossible.

Instead new parents have to master the complicated art of pushing a pram forwards whilst having a conversation with / shouting loudly at the person directly behind you. Given that the most popular topics for new mums are lumpy tits and sore vaginas  this can lead to some disapproving looks from passers-by.

And if walking with a friend is a challenge don’t even think about catching a bus together.

London (Yes Boris I’m talking to you) is one of the best cities in the world for public transport, neither the Olympics or the Paralympics posed a problem for Transport for London but the notion that a mother with a baby in a pram would want to board a bus with other friends who have also have babies in prams is a concept beyond their reckoning.


If you are about to have a baby do yourself a favour – when you put the number for the hospital in your phone add the dog fouling department of your local council as well and save yourself some time later.

Oh and happy turd spotting!


10 thoughts on “The weirdest way having a baby will change your life.

  1. Ha ha! This really made me laugh. Not only do I see dog poo everywhere, I have also come to realise how much cat poo is in my garden, and quite often have to go and have a look around with a shovel before I can allow my children out there. I also know what you mean about prams on buses. I had a double buggy. Luckily I drive but when the car was in the garage, I found out just how unsympathetic bus drivers are when you have a pram/buggy.

  2. Oh god this reminds me yesterday i picked up my 3 year old from nursery and on the way to the car she found a dirty tampon (people are disgusting) and preceded to pick it up she was literally a finger nail away from it when i bellowed at her so hard she froze. i was then looked at by all the other mummies like i was some evil mum im sure one called social services.

  3. I have some great video where my eldest daughter was foraging around in the dirt then happily handed me a live bee! She then proceeds to try and eat it. The video ends with my mother stamping on the poor thing. Maybe this might explain the dwindling bee population??

  4. For some reason the link to the voting page works but then you cant vote?! Annoying! Am i just being a bit thick?

  5. As someone who was also going to write a novel during maternity leave (and struggled to write my own name by the end of it) I would like to share my own weird way that having kids has changed my life:
    For the last 2 nights my partner and I have sat in the bath for over an hour in our hotel room, reading books and drinking screw-top wine from camping wine glasses, while we wait for our 3 children to fall asleep in the adjoining bedroom. Absurdity is commonplace when you have children – this is not mentioned in any of the promo material.

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