Facebook for New Parents

Babies are like fireworks: noisy, dangerously explosive and upsetting to cats and dogs. Just like fireworks babies are best enjoyed from a safe distance and Facebook is the perfect way to share any baby news with  your nearest and dearest people you  once sat next to at a wedding. The first rule about posting baby […]

What 3 year olds (and grown men) really mean.

When children first learn to speak they are very honest.

Dog! Cow! Man! Fat Man! Fat Man! Look Mummy Fat Man!

By the time they hit three they are already learning the dramatic art of subtext. In our humdrum daily lives simple words often have a deeper, richer meaning. Like this:

Mummy I haven’t broken your umbrella.

Subtext: Your umbrella is broken. Exactly how or why this happened cannot be ascertained at this moment but is probably linked to a three year old waving the umbrella about like a magic wand. Oh and the vase in the living room, that’s broken too.

This is Absolutely NOT About my Fanny.

Pelvic floor muscles are one of those things you only really talk about once you fall pregnant. No sooner do you realise you have them they are ruined.

It’s like discovering you have a beautiful chocolate cake in your cupboard you didn’t know about and then immediately dropping it on the floor. Into shit.*

People told me to make the most of life before I had children.

Go out to dinner! They said.

Enjoy time alone with your partner! I was told.

If I could turn back time I would have sacked off the romantic dinners and spent my free hours enjoying piss free star jumps instead.