Right I haven’t blogged in ages because, well y’know life. And work. And just stuff. Why is there so much stuff? We moved out of the house and decamped to my mums after the electrician described the most expensive thing we have ever bought as ‘a death trap’ funnily enough this was not a phrase used […]
My youngest started school last week and I was reminded of how quickly time flies,standing at the school gates the Abba song ‘Slipping through my fingers’ running through my head as tears rolled down my face. Three days later I was crying again but this time because I had discovered he was only doing half […]
About to send your baby off to school for the first time? Worried about what to expect? Forget Ofsted reports and class sizes, this is the real lowdown on what happens in your child’s first year at school. For starters don’t expect your child to be able to say the name of their class, two […]
Dear The Vikings,
I am writing to thank you for your continued support in the raising of my son, aged three, and your sterling work in getting him out of nappies and into pants ‘like what Vikings (and Pirates) wear’. Please pass on my kind regards to Sigurd Snake In the Eye and Ragnar Hairy Breeches, sorry for Grandad renaming your great King Ragnar Hairy Arse which is probably very disrespectful, also not the sort of thing you want a 3 year old shouting in the middle of Marks & Spencer whilst brandishing a baguette.
Dear Pixar, Thank you for your efforts to entertain my children over the summer holidays however I’m afraid I have to take issue with your latest attempt. We took our children to see your feature Inside Out (btw what the hell was with that weird singing volcano shit?) We all enjoyed the film immensely but […]
A 3 year old boy is sat on the toilet floor enthralled by an avant-garde theatre performance, a bowl of strawberries and melon chunks between his legs. Also in the audience are 11 pirates and 5 vikings, all plastic, all armed with axes and cutlasses. Usually sworn enemies the pirates and vikings have called a […]
Day two of the school holidays Mr Eeh Bah phones home to check we are all still alive. Him: Hi Are you OK? You said in your email you were…. cleaning. Me: Yes darling I’m fine. I was cleaning. Him: Are you drunk already? It’s only 2pm. Me: Darling I’m not drunk I’m sat outside […]
I have a confession. Regular readers of this blog will know that I have never painted myself as the best mother. I’m not sure trying to be the best mum is a great use of any woman’s energy. Small children are hard work and trying to be ‘the best’ at looking after them is a waste of time […]
No I’m not putting the small children on the tree. But then writing ‘with the help of small children’ didn’t feel right either. So here is ‘How to decorate a tree while two small children fight over a felt robin and attempt to strangle each other with tinsel’. Step 1 Check into social media and discover that […]
Hooray! After just 100 years of being sexist twits Ladybird books are to stop gender branding their books – no more books ‘for boys’ and books ‘for girls’ just books for reading. Part of me thinks this is a brilliant step in the right direction and the other part of me is absolutely fucking fuming. […]
