On television it takes no time at all to renovate a family home, Kirstie Allsop swishes through rooms in a brightly coloured wrap dress babbling on about moving walls, a few British Gas adverts later and bingo it’s all done. In real life it takes fucking ages and most of that time is spent thinking about […]
About to send your baby off to school for the first time? Worried about what to expect? Forget Ofsted reports and class sizes, this is the real lowdown on what happens in your child’s first year at school. For starters don’t expect your child to be able to say the name of their class, two […]
Tickets are now on sale for my new play How To Have A Baby And Not Lose Your Shit. Don’t worry I’m not in it. I’ve just written the words – someone brilliant who can actually do acting will be performing it. And someone even more brilliant is directing it the wonderful Lucy Speed. Actress […]
I’m baaack! This is like one of those catch up documentaries, 10 years after the band split, when everyone’s solo careers have tanked and the fit one has had too much Botox and they’ve all run out of money. I last updated this blog when my eldest started school – seemed like a good place […]
But Mummy why do I have to go to school? Well sweetie every time Mummy spends more than 3 minutes attempting to teach you anything we both need several weeks of therapy. Also in order to get you to do anything even remotely educational I have to bribe you with Haribo and biscuits, so I […]
Namaste bitches, I read a Reddit thread about what men find boring about women, which made me think about all the boring things men do and naturally I decided to write them all down and publish them on the Internet. What’s the worst that could happen? Here are the things I find boring about men: Googling fucking everything. Snore off. We’re having […]
Farewell 2106! You were…. eventful. Basically 2106 was like first time parenthood. We all went into it with high expectations of how brilliant it was going to be, then reality hit, everything fell to shit and we all just clung on for dear life and prayed we’d make it out alive. 2017 is going to be […]
Where the f… Father Christmas is the bloody sellotape? Jenny and Nick were in a mess. Christmas Eve was nearly over and not a single present wrapped, all three stockings hung by the chimney were empty. Upstairs no one was stirring not even two year old Rudy who was fast asleep cradling fluffy mouse, three […]
I don’t want to spend my life stood behind my children pushing them in front of other kids, I want them, and children in schools across the country, to have the same opportunities whatever their home lives are like. I think the conclusion I would have drawn from a report showing that kids in the North are falling behind would be that there should be more investment in schools in the North, or, hey here’s a thought! How about the government stops pissing about claiming to create a ‘Northern Powerhouse’ and just puts in a decent fucking train across the Pennines – we’ll sort out the rest, we’re quite a resourceful bunch up here.
Right I haven’t blogged in ages because, well y’know life. And work. And just stuff. Why is there so much stuff? We moved out of the house and decamped to my mums after the electrician described the most expensive thing we have ever bought as ‘a death trap’ funnily enough this was not a phrase used […]
We have started work on the house renovations. When I say we – I don’t mean me, I’m in a cafe writing press releases and crying because my garden is getting trashed. When we bought the house it had a conservatory – I had never lived in a house with a conservatory before and for […]
One of the best things about starting a family is the amount of unwarranted advice people give you. Seriously, it’s worth getting pregnant just so you can experience the joy of complete strangers telling you what you’re doing wrong with your life. Usually everything.
Add to that the terrifying newspaper coverage of new things parents need to worry about and bringing a baby into the world can become very stressful. The big secret behind all the horror stories is this: Most parents are doing a pretty good job of raising their children.
But when I became a mum I realised that no one ever tells you this, or maybe they did but I was too stressed and tired to notice. Telling mums they’re doing fine doesn’t sell antibacterial nappy sacks or hands-free pumping bustiers or books about how to have a baby and not lose your shit.
The honest truth is that as a parent you will lose your shit, and when that happens you can either laugh or cry. I’ve done both and that’s what I’ve written about, I’ve found there are very few parenting problems that can’t be improved by a lovely cup of tea, a nice sit down and a bit of a laugh.
Because you really are doing a brilliant job.