Getting rid of the dummy

This week I did something I swore I would never do.

I lied about my parenting skills to make myself look better.

I decided quite some time ago not to give a shit about what other people think. Mainly because other people have no idea what the rest of my life is like so I ignore their helpful comments in the supermarket.

Kindly passerby: Your daughter is on the floor crying next to the potatoes.

Me: Oh I’m sorry. Are the potatoes complaining?

KPB: No but she’s very upset.

Me: That’s because she wants me to buy her 24 packets of crisps and a bottle of wine that has a picture of a zebra on it. She’s 3 she’s not allowed crisps. Not with Zinfandel.

But today bolshy, gobby mummy deserted me in the dentists.

It was the bloody dummy.

Both my daughter (3.5 yo) and my son (2 yo) have a dummy.

Getting rid of the dummy is definitely on our list of things to do.

But so is seeing the northern lights, running a marathon and sorting out the boxes in the garage. None of these things are going to happen imminently.

Or at all.

Whilst the boxes in the garage can be ignored the dummy issue keeps rearing it’s ugly head.

The dentist said he could tell my son had been sucking from the shape of his bite.

This he deduced by looking in my sons gob with a mirror. I could have saved him some time by showing him the wonky bite marks on my shoulder but why spoil the fun?

‘He’s nearly 2, time for it to go.’ The dentist said blithely as he bandaged his arms and face.

‘Shit! Wait til he looks in my daughters mouth, she’s nearly 4. This is going to look bad, maybe if I accidentally punch her in the face she will not be able to reveal our terrible family secret.’ I thought.

(OK So maybe I’ve exaggerated here a bit for comic effect. I’d like to make it clear whilst I am happy to lie I draw the line at punching my own child in the face just to make myself look like a better parent.)

So I did a fib.

When the dentist asked I told him she’d given up ages ago.

Fortunately my daughter didn’t expose my mahoosive lie as my brilliant, wonky toothed son found the control panel for the reclining chair and all attention was diverted.

The dummy is still with us.

The thought of getting rid of it brings back memories of the potty training debacle and I’m not ready to go through that again just yet.

If anyone has any tips please feel free to pass them on or better still pop round mine and show me how it’s done.


I wrote this over a year ago, my daughter had a dummy well into being four, then she gave it up. The end.


19 thoughts on “Getting rid of the dummy

  1. I’ve only just discovered your blog and I LOVE it! Good to know I’m not the only failing mum out there.
    As for dummy-gate, we told our daughter an elaborate story about the dummy fairies taking them away for other children who can’t afford them and then she would tell Santa what a brave girl she was and would bring her a bike for Christmas. Seemed to do the trick.
    We now also have a 17 month old son who I think is going to be harder to fool. He constantly has one in his mouth and one in his hand!!

  2. Bribery. I aslo got terrible looks from the dentist when my 3.5 year old was still sucking away. But a trip to the toy shop did the trick. He was allowed to choose a really good toy on condition he coughed up all the dummies. He did and there wasn’t too much complaining. I think I missed it more than he did. He does now suck his sleeves and the ears of his teddy bear. But the dentist can’t blame me for that.

  3. Ha ha I’ve lied to the dentist twice (what is it about dentists?) about thumb sucking and about twice a day every day tooth brushing. Both times by daughters pointed out my blatant lie. At least that made the “no they don’t eat many sweets” even more truthful. No treats for those little back stabbers!

  4. Mine never had dummies but my youngest is a big thumb sucker, not sure what you can do about that other than chop it off which may be considered a bit mean. People talk about the dummy fairy though, which essentially just sounds like bribery?!
    Best of luck in the BiBs Kirsty x

  5. Snip the teat with a scissors. They can’t suck it as it just flattens and they will eventually get fed up with trying. And my 4.5 still sucks her thumb and short of surgical removal I have no idea how I will get her to stop. I made the mistake of telling her not to listen to the dentist, and at our last visit she said “Mummy says I don’t have to listen to you and let’s me have chocolate for breakfast.”

  6. If you’d never taken them to the dentist in the first place you wouldn’t have this dilemma!
    I feel better for not having taken mine yet and he’s 9. Who’s the bad mother now. I win!

    • I have realised the error of my ways. I think we may be banned now anyway after my sons messing with the chair. Here’s hoping!

  7. My daughter sucked her dummy 24/7 until she was 5 – seriously, I had a dummy in every handbag, every pocket, on every shelf in every room, plus an emergency supply of about 10 in the car. I did nothing about it, as I was too whacked-out from lack of sleep from child number 2 to give a toss. My girl is now 8, never looks twice at a dummy, has lovely teeth, looks and sounds normal, seems to function quite well as a human and has no weird hang ups or oral fixations. From this I have learnt to ignore all so-called problems, chill the hell out and just let things take the course they are bound to take, with or without me being hysterical about it. Or, in my husbands words, “for f**** sake, it’s a dummy, not a machine gun. Here’s a glass of wine, dear, there there”.

    • I like the sound of your husband, supportive words and a glass of wine will get a man a long way in life.

  8. I am sure the dummy / teeth thing has been ecposed as a big parenting myth by someone in a massive study or something.*

    *Could have just made that up.

    I don’t know of course, because I hated the weird little rubbery things enough to not use them *smug* 😉

  9. This post made me actually laught out loud .
    Both my children had dummies and were ‘late’ giving them up. But they loved them so who was I to take them away.
    At Christmas time we said the dummy had to be given to Father Christmas, he would give to ill babies and they would get a special gift, strangely it worked with both of them…

  10. I gave my daughter a dummy initially, then realised it was going to be hell getting it off her in the future, so I quickly stopped using it before she knew what had happened. We travelled to Oz to visit family when she was 3.5 months old. First night we are at my in-laws, they whinge because their first and only granddaughter had woken them up and “couldn’t we give her a dummy?”. So we did. Fast forward, to 13.5 months, I stopped breastfeeding and she didn’t even bat an eyelid but when we tried to stop giving her the dummy at 18 months, I told her it was broken and the shops had all run out. She asked for her “dee” every night for at least 2 weeks before she forgot and even now she looks suspiciously at kids who run around with dummies in their mouth. She was only ever allowed to have it when she went to sleep though but it is kind of sad to see kids who can talk with one in their gob.

  11. My two girls had dummies. The dummy fairy came and took them away, replacing with a toy. Both had awful nights sleeps for about 3 nights and then they were fine. My baby boy now has a dummy and the 3 year old keep nicking it for a quick suck. No harm done. I’m just willing the baby to sort himself out at night and put it back in.

  12. Evil mum that I am I made my 3 year old leave his dummy with the carrots and sherry for Santa….never thought it would work since he acted like it was his crack pipe but whaddayaknow Santa is magic after all. Being French where everyone has a dummy until 5 before they move on to smoking I wasn’t that fussed but I caved into the dentist’s threats…..have a feeling my daughter won’t be so easily bribed by promises of Christmas presents

  13. Ha ha I’ve lied to the dentist twice (what is it about dentists?) about thumb sucking and about twice a day every day tooth brushing. Both times by daughters pointed out my blatant lie. At least that made the “no they don’t eat many sweets” even more truthful. No treats for those little back stabbers!

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