Top 5 signs it’s time to start toilet training

I bloody love a quiz. This one’s abut poo.

Answer these questions to determine if it’s time to start potty training:

1. Are you happy to have a toddler shit all over your home for the next 2 weeks?

2. Have you bought so many nappies you could buy a house with the Boots Advantage points you’ve amassed?

3. Is it time to get a new sofa and carpets?

4. Are you prepared to mop up a river of warm piss from the Post Office floor with your brand new Whistles jumper?

And most importantly:

5. Is your washing machine in good working order?

If you can answer ‘Yes’ to these questions then maybe the time is right. If the answer is ‘No’ – which let’s face it is the right answer  – then  follow this handy guide instead.

How old is your child?

0 – 2 years  – No.

2 years  – Still No.

2.5 – 5 years – Maybe.

5+ years –  Too late.


Here’s some stuff all the proper guides say about potty training. None of which will change the fact your house is about to be transformed into one giant toilet.

Reward Charts

I found a wall chart incredibly motivating.

Every time I got 3 stars I rewarded myself. Sometimes I gave myself stickers just for being me.

I ate a lot of Haribo.

Obvs. the stickers and treats are meant to be for the kidlets. Some people call it bribery, because that’s what it is.

Essentially you are paying another human being sweets not to shit on your sofa.

I’m OK with that.

I have a similar arrangement with some of my adult friends.

Wait until the summer

Everything is easier in the summer.

Life just seems better when it’s warm and you have a Pimms in one hand.

Buy some nice pants

Not for you! For Gods sake do not by yourself nice pants.

Nice pants are the reason you’re in this mess.

Factor in 18 years of childcare and sexy knickers are the single most expensive item in my wardrobe (and I own a jumper from Whistles).

Buy some kecks with your childs favourite TV character on.

It won’t help with potty training but after watching Dora The Explorer twat about with that stupid bloody singing map for 6 months you’ll at least get to enjoy seeing a toddler shit on the back of her head.

Aw man!*

No one wears nappies as a teenager!

Why do people say this? If my children are wearing nappies as a teenager at least I won’t need to be worrying about drugs and underage sex.

Learn from other people

There’s nothing better than hearing how baby Ethel has been in big girl pants since she was 18 months old while watching your 3 year old dangle off a climbing frame with a wee soaked nappy the size of Kim Kardashian’s arse.

Comments underlining how much better other people’s children are than yours can be incredibly helpful.

As my daughter said when watching Masterchef ‘Why don’t they just let the chef who finishes first be the winner?’

‘Because that’s not how the world works Sweetie, now nip off and stick your big stinky bum in Ethel’s face.’

Wait until your child is ready

It’s important to look out for signs that your child is ready, I knew it was time when my daughter said:

‘Mummy I don’t want to wear nappies anymore I want to use the toilet like a big girl.’

Now THAT my friends is elimination communication.



This is my old post about what ACTUALLY happened when I tried toilet training. How to fail at potty training. Repeatedly.

* in case any Dora pedants are reading I am aware this is Swiper’s catchphrase.

10 thoughts on “Top 5 signs it’s time to start toilet training

  1. I remember reading the baby books when I was pregnant and they sold all these stages – weaning, potty training – as big fun events in your child’s life when in fact what they are is, your kid has just got reasonably easy to care for so let’s fuck it all up again and cover your house in first half chewed food and now poo and wee. My other half brings the littler’s urine-soaked shoes home from nursery and slings them in the massive box of shoes to fester away so that I only cop on when my hall starts to smell like a gents’ outdoor lav. And do they all get incredibly selfconscious about pooing and have constipation for about 2 weeks until they build up the courage to do a shit on the toilet? Or is that just mine?

  2. I’ve only just got over my four year old being relatively dry most of the time and now I have to start with my two year old soon. I put her on the toilet and she doesn’t do anything, no pee, no poo but a lovely psssh sound as if she is peeing. However, she keeps trying to take her nappy off and wants to wear her sisters knickers. Holding off for new sofa’s and carpets for now, although I really want to..

  3. Pahaha! I’ve been attempting to potty train my daughter for nearly SIX WHOLE MONTHS now and this really made me laugh! Which is good, because most of the time when I think about potty training I want to cry. Particularly agreed with the bit about other people’s comments – strangely enough, hearing a woman say, “oh are you STILL at it? We’ve cracked it now,” about her six-months-younger-than-my-daughter granddaughter did not really help matters. I wrote about my own potty training woes a couple of months back (the fact we’re still not done doesn’t fill me with despair at all):

  4. You should never force the kid to go on potty too early. It can backfire on you. Luckily we found the Concisework potty training and it helped a lot.

  5. OMG I love this so much. As someone who is about to start potty training her almost 3 year old, you have just convinced me why this is a BAD idea.

    Back to Pampers we go.


  6. Pingback: Potty Training Part 2: Return Of The Freddo - Eeh Bah Mum

  7. Brilliant post! The girl was easy & decided she didn’t want to wear nappies (after a failed earlier attempt and her shitting in the middle of my living room floor with a potty yards, nay, cms away from her!) not sure the boy will be as easy, although there is some thought to be given to leaving them til their teenagers 😉

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