Shit I don’t have time for

How often do you say to yourself  ‘I literally do not have time for this shit’?

Maybe it’s because I’m old, or a busy mum, or a bit arsey, whatever the reason the list of things I cannot be arsed with is growing rapidly. You’re probably on it yourself – sorry about that have a lovely day, feel free to add me to your list. I don’t mind.

Here are the things I shall be avoiding from today.

1. Romance

What a crock of shit. I do not want a man to say romantic things to me like they do in films because if a man actually said that stuff in real life it would be creepy.

Nobody puts Baby in the corner.  What if Baby likes sitting quietly in the corner? I do not require rescuing by a  man who wants to toss me around like an object in some weird show dance. Leave me alone.

You complete me.  Since when is being described like a piece of jigsaw that got lost under the sofa romantic?

You make me want to be a better man. Why do I have to be involved with this? Can’t he just be a better man? What if I’m not around -will he be shit? This feels like something I’m going to get blamed for later.

To me, you are perfect. So are you saying other people don’t think I’m perfect? Also if you’re going to write stuff down at least email me a copy so I can upload it to Facebook and show my mates.

Love means never having to say you’re sorry. Er no it doesn’t, love means you letting me squeeze the spots on your back.

Ladies if you want someone to tell you how amazing you are ask your girlfriends. Even better ask your girlfriends when they’re drunk.

2.  Independent coffee shops

Why  does  it  take  so  looooong?

Part of me is all ‘Hmmm that looks like a cool coffee shop I should totally support more independent businesses’ the other part is more ‘Stop talking to me about fucking beans. Just give me my caffeine already. I don’t care about your cold drip process it’s 8.45am and I have 15 minutes until I’m expected to speak in coherent sentences.’

3. Arguing on Twitter

Let me be clear I fucking LOVE arguing with people in real life. I will happily have a heated discussion with someone who is in the room and I have no problem telling anyone that I think they’re talking out of their arse – but only if I can actually see their arse.

Arguing is one of life’s many joys, it’s one of the best things about having children. But arguing a point with someone I have never met over Twitter or in a Facebook comments thread. No thanks. I’ll stick to arguing with a 5 year old who thinks she should be allowed to have a go at driving now she’s at school. Find me not arguing @eehbahmum

4. Your Delivery

Yeah I know I work from home but that doesn’t mean I want to stay in for 8 hours solid waiting for some drawer handles you bought of ebay for 50p.

5. Stupid articles about how to wear clothes

Especially ones about how to dress when you’re a mum. Or in your 40’s. Or breastfeeding. Or skinny. Or fat. Or whatever the stupid magazines think we need to worry about.

Don’t get me wrong I LOVE fashion but I don’t think it should come with rules. I am a mum, lots of my friends are mums we all dress fabulously. Anyone who wants to tell me what I should or shouldn’t wear can piss right off.

6.  Making THREE different teas

In Yorkshire we have our tea when everyone else is having dinner. We also eat our dinner at lunchtime just to confuse people even more.

I don’t mind my children having opinions but why do they all have to have different ones? He wants fish fingers, she wants sausages, we’re having noodles. Why can’t we all just meet in the middle? Anyone for fishy sausage and noodles? #nomnom

7. Keeping up with cool hashtag trends

Oh My God! Did she just #nomnom? How embarrassing! #sooverit

I simply do not have time to worry about this sort of shit, I have three different meals to make every bloody night. All this is exactly how it should be, after all I am a 43 year old mum of two living in a small town where the main attraction is two big rocks, I know fuck all about being cool and I’m totally happy about that – or do I mean #blessed?

8.Washing Administration

Disentangling my daughters tights from her pants, segregating toddler t shirts entwined in toddler jumpers and peeling apart Daddy’s disgusting stinky socks that have somehow become enmeshed. How on earth has this happened? They’ve been removed from two separate limbs why are they now entangled like desperate lovers?

It’s a mystery, but not a good mystery where a man with a moustache steals a diamond necklace at a weekend shooting party and we find out my sister is really my mum. No this mystery involves a washing basket, two stinky socks and is unlikely to be serialised on tv anytime soon.

9. Statement necklaces

No reason really, I like them on other people but on me they look stupid. I don’t need jewellery that makes a statement I have my face. It says: leave me alone I am tired and angry.

10. Ironing

This is not a new development I have never ironed I just wanted to renew my vows in a beautiful ceremony where I drink wine on the sofa watching Vikings while he irons his own damn shirts. Perfect.

Why not make your own list? It’s free and actually quite enjoyable. Let me know how you get on, that I at least have time for.

14 thoughts on “Shit I don’t have time for

  1. 1 Umbrellas, I lose them, break them or poke people’s eyes out with them.
    2 Sandpaper, needs no explanation, evil stuff
    3 Ironing, I would never tell, but I haven’t owned an ironing board in 15 years.
    4 Peeling potatoes. Mashed chipped or roasted, can’t be faffed with a peeler.
    5 Finding the other half of a Kinder egg toy. Ever.

  2. Hilarious and I totally agree with all of your statements!

    I don’t have time for the ‘cooking your tea’ shit while also playing referee to 3 and 7 year olds, mopping up wee from around the toilet seat before I can sit on it and listening to my Mother telling me how I ‘should’ be doing while she sits on the sofa sipping her coffee and watching tv!

    Thanks for making me smile 🙂

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  5. People who say “I’m not being funny but ” and then make an arsy comment.
    Going to bed leaving a tidy room and waking up to his discarded socks, beer bottles, crisp packets….
    Men who can’t /won’t use the toilet brush but expect the loo fairy to remove their skid marks….. Fml.
    People leaving my gate open allowing my lunatic jack Russells to escape causing me to have to run out of the house in various states of undress screaming at them to get back in.
    People in supermarket blocking the aisle having super important conversationso about nothing…… MOVE OUT OF MY WAY.

  6. I don’t have time to fill in my 5 year old’s reading journal with every tiresome book she’s sent home with. We read every day. Take that as a standing instruction because I don’t have time to think of interesting things to say about her reading .
    While we’re talking about school, I don’t have time to scratch around the bottom of my purse or back looking for change for whatever trip or fundraising effort needs payment this week. Let me give the school office £50 in September and be done with it.

  7. I send all the ironing, (which is to say his), out. He takes it there and pays for it himself. So I suppose he sends it out. But the point is ironing can F the F off. And this, along with cleaning agency, and not even pretending we can either afford or want to go on holiday is keeping me from the final match to the divorce court. #feelingblessedidonothave6childrenandsocanaffordtonotdosomeofthedomesticshit

  8. Great post – I can’t be doing with people who don’t acknowledge you when you allow access on the road. So rude!
    A lot of my bugbears are transport related – I can’t abide selfish commuters who hog two seats on the train, bus etc and then flash you a filthy look when you ask to sit down.
    Likewise I can’t cope with people with buggy or suitcase syndrome – they seem to think that because they are carrying or pushing they have the monopoly of the road and can swerve any which way they want including into you or across your feet.
    People with a sense of entitlement.
    People who spit on the street!
    People who don’t pull their weight and go walkies when extra work is required.
    Umbrellas blowing inside out….
    Shopkeepers on the phone when they are serving you.
    ‘Reality’ shows….

  9. Mcdonalds staff when they charge you for the sauces, like if they didnt, the cost would come out their damn wages

    Others peoples kids at soft play when you witness them getting bullied by other kids. sorry but I can barely keep up with my own child running riot in here. I cant stick up for someone else’s kid getting bullied, while the parents sat on their ass having a coffee.

    my husband, I dont have time for his shit most days

  10. School holidays – it throws both kids out of routine and me too as I work in a school, and they then get angsty and horrible (more so than usual).

    Next door neighbours parking wars – see that little round disk of paper in my window? That’s a tax disc, and it means I can park my car where the f*%! I like on this road, and no amount of knocking on my door asking me to move to 6inches so it is aligned properly with the property borders is going to change that, so jog on back to your side of the fence, knob head!!! Aaarggh!

    Asda staff asking if I’d like a bag with that… No, I’m good thanks, I’m going to balance 133 items on my head and walk home like that… Seriously!!! What a stupid question!

    Kim Kardashian… What is the actual point of her? What does she actually do?

    Rain … Because I’ve got a mountain of washing to do and now can’t use my lines to dry it…

    Shops trying to sell me stuff for Christmas… It’s OCTOBER!!! No, I do not need lashings of mince pies, tinsel for my tree, and no amount of marketing will make me buy a f*%&ing turkey at this time of year!!

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