How to read parenting blogs.

Recently I read an online article that was rather snippy about the amount of effort one mother had put into creating something spectacular for her children.

The writer of the article seemed unnerved that any sane woman could be arsed to put so much time and effort into parenting.

Which is ironic when you realise the time and effort she herself had put into dissing someone else’s effort as a waste of time.

Let’s face it only one of these ladies has made their child an amazing dinner/lunch/whatever people in the midlands call it..

What riled me was that the writer of the article was putting another woman down for no other reason than to look cool and try to be funny.

I often joke about how I can’t be arsed to do things – cleaning, painting with the children, any and all crafts.

But I don’t think I’m better than people who do do these things.

Quite clearly I am not.

Their houses are sparkly clean and full of hand sewn cushions while I have a half knitted baby blanket hidden in a cupboard and some bunting which reads ‘Happy Birthday Dude’ because I couldn’t quite be bothered to spell out ‘Daddy’.

I love that women and mothers are taking to the internet to show off all the amazing things they’ve created. (And yes I do mean show off what’s wrong with that?)

But it’s totally cool to read these blogs and know that you yourself will never get round to doing that. I read an amazing blog post where a completely sane woman had made her own mozzarella cheese.

Now the chances of me ever making cheese are low to none (unless I find another half empty baby bottle down the back of the sofa) but it did make me get off my backside and make a pie for tea.

My aforementioned lack of arsedness is a big factor in why I personally don’t make nice things.

But mainly it’s my hands.

They simply don’t do what I want them to, when I talk they waft around and when I try to make something pretty they get all slapdash.

Long story short I’m rubbish at making things that look nice.

Apart from children.

They turned out brilliantly and they look perfect. But then they bypassed my hands. Maybe I should try crafting with my vagina instead?

(Googles ‘vagina crafts’ (safe search on) and is surprised to discover this is (ahem) virgin blogging territory. Spends rest of day thinking up names for vagina crafting blog…)

This is a perfect example, I start on one project and end up inventing the next hipster craze.

Creating pretty things requires an attention to detail I do not have. At primary school I did some my sewing on cross stitch fabric and the teacher asked my mum if I was taking the piss it was so bad. (I may have paraphrased.)

Give me words and I have amazing attention to detail – I can spot a typo or an errant comma at 50 paces but making actual, physical things that look good has never been my forte.

Because we’re all good at different things, some of us can make cheese and some of us can spell diarrhoea without having to use spell check. (A highly under rated life skill)

So let’s all play nicely bitches.

You can vote for me in the Laugh category at the Bib Awards!
And look out for my vagina crafting blog launching soon – here’s the shortlist of names so far.

The Crafty Vagina.

C*nt and Paste.

Fanny and the glue stick.

Look Mum no hands!

16 thoughts on “How to read parenting blogs.

  1. Can you have a sidebar on this new vag blog for ‘what i really wore?’ which is mums not looking like they ran through Anthropologie covered in (vag) glue and wearing saggy jeans and their husband’s t-shirts instead please?

  2. Are you taking votes on the vag craft blog names? They’re all brilliant, esp the second one on the list. Was also thinking you could do an accompanying vag baking blog. Too far? How about calling it the Vagina Scone-a-logues? Too far again?

  3. ‘Build a banjo with your fanjo ?’ And DON’T give me credit if you use this one.
    Very funny Kirsty especially about teacher taking the piss about your cross stitch. I got a school report aged 9 saying ‘Joanna’s been making good progress with her felt parrot’. The culmination of a full ‘academic’ year’s work. Remember being startled to see parents rolling around on floor and telling all their friends. Wish I’d told them to “play nicely bitches”

  4. I LOVE all those blogs that show off fancy craftwork and pretty food. All my own stuff looks like something the dog coughed up, but it’s nice to have something to aspire to when I’m trying to stop the four-year-old from treading in the two-year-old’s s****y nappy….

  5. 3 things.
    1. YES. I love looking at pictures of unbelievable lunch boxes that I could never make.
    2. Fanny felting? Coochie crochet? Noonoo knitting?
    3. I don’t believe you. NO ONE can spell diahrroaeahheaoe without spell check. I am a nurse and I can’t spell it. On medical notes I write “loose stools”.

  6. Love it! I must confess to posting pictures of things that I’ve made – but what the picture doesn’t show you is the disaster area that’s been left behind in the wake of the said thing that’s been made which usually takes about three weeks to clear up. Sometimes I find my children under the debris. I dread to think of the mess (and the photos) of anything created by a vagina but will look forward (cautiously) to your first post 🙂 xx

  7. I love this post, it had me in stitches…nothing like the ones I had when the babes were born though, so maybe not for your new blog!

  8. oh my you put a smile on my face, thank you for the link. Sane i would probably say INsane, i cant believe i did that for a blooming four year old.

    Anyways like you said we are all good at different things but when it comes to creative writing with humor you are the best bring so much joy and cheering up so many woman across the nation who other wise have to come up with crazy idea to entertain their little darlings and then have to deal with the consequence of the mess after. i think maybe you have it right.

    hels x

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