Is My Son a Dick?

As a parent you quickly learn to interpret different screams – there’s the tired scream, the I would like some attention scream and then there’s the scream of your child in genuine pain. The one that turns your stomach. Thank God I have not had to hear that one very often from my daughter.

But my son does not follow these rules – he is the ultimate boy who cried wolf and will scream like a banshee for no apparent reason at all. He even does it in his sleep.

When you cannot find anything actually wrong with a crying baby it is chalked up to the catch all excuse of teething.  Teething is brilliant – I have been using it as an excuse for my general incompetence for some time now. So far I’ve used it as an explanation for forgotten birthdays, having a spotty chin, wearing odd socks, missed appointments and a general level of slovenliness around the house.

But I don’t think my son cries because he is teething.

Is it teething or the tights? Either way he's not happy...

Is it teething or the tights? Either way he’s not happy…

We only really have his sister to compare him with and she was a very different baby. A few people I’ve spoken to about this have said boys are more needy than girls.   I’m really not a  fan of blaming things on gender it seems a bit harsh to tar the male population with one small child’s bad temper.

The third excuse I’ve heard is that it is behaviour typical of a second child trying to get a parents attention. But he’s breastfed and I’m with him all the time. How much attention does he want?

I have come to the conclusion that there’s a simple answer to his screaming fits.

My son is a dick.

Sorry to be so blunt but the writing has been on the wall for some time now. Eeh Bah Daughter’s nickname is bubbles, Eeh Bah Son’s only nickname is dick–douche (this has been adapted to DD after an unfortunate incident when his sister introduced him to prospective friends in the park).

His screaming doesn’t affect how much we love him, he totally gets away with such behaviour as he is a super cute baby caused minimal damage to my lady bits.  My only hope is that he will grow out of it but I’d love to hear if  anyone else thinks their offspring are dicks too.

Anyway must dash – I’m in the process of organising the kids bookshelf from least to most chewed.  I’m calling it the Chewy Decimal System.

Sorry that was an awful joke i couldn’t help myself.

F*ckety F*ck… If he is a dick does he get it from me?

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24 thoughts on “Is My Son a Dick?

  1. Ha! Tears of laughter are rolling down my face! My daughter was a dick for 10 months give or take but she’s ok now. Screaming, not sleeping, not eating. Hope your lovely little dick stops screaming soon x

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  3. Just laughed out loud at this. But I am sat at my desk, and meant to be tabulating end of tax year blah blah and no one EVER laughed at tax. So it’s your fault if I get told off.

    But seriously – your blog is great!

  4. Hilarious. My son, now 5, was the same. Was a grumpy sod, always screaming til all his whingeing blended into one long monotonous whine. Could never tell what it was. All his screaming was the same – 0 to max volume in 0.1 seconds. But to reassure you on the gender issue, my second son, now 2, was a very good-humoured baby and used clearly distinguishable whinge patterns. So I have concluded that a child’s dickness is all down to individual personality!

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  7. MY 4 1/2 year old daughter is an actual sadistic c**t….
    she charms everyother person in the world but when I close the front door I switch is flipped.

    however she is also the cutest person ever to walk the earth…so im proud she has some spirit in her it will serve her well in later life.

    Amazing blog….you say what I think x

    • Ah, the old “it will serve her well in later life.” How many hundreds of times have I said that about my own dear but dastardly daughter’s “clear sense of self”?

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  11. Our middle child Harrison is commonly know as a/the Jerk. He is curious in all the wrong ways. He spoke really early and at age two hit his older brother on the back on the head with an empty two litre bottle and casually walked round to his face and asked….”did that hurt Alec”! what a Jerk.

  12. My sons nickname is shitbag, not because he cries or is mardy but he is literally a shitbag. He knows he’s cute, he knows he’s clever and he uses this knowledge for PURE EVIL. Target wise he doesn’t give a crap. His all time favourite game is to poke the dogs eyes so far back into his head that he screams. That and throwing food at his 6 month old brothers head. But when you’ve got a twat for a mum and a nob for a dad, I suppose the only thing you can do is be a shitbag. Again. At least he’s cute. Good work with the blog, glad to find another like minded mother who is realistic and fun. Few and far between.
    P.s I love this font. I could literally write in it all day.

  13. I hate to admit this but I love my son but I don’t really like him very much right now. Sometimes I f’n hate him. I think he knows it too, so the bad behavior worsens.

  14. You can do what you will with this, but I would nuke this post. I would delete it and never bring it back because if your child finds it you don’t know how they will respond.

    Even worse someone from their school might find it and they might use it to tease them.

    It might sound ridiculous or silly to you but I know my kids and their friends Google each other and sometimes other family members. It is all done in the name of fun but sometimes the fun gets a bit ugly.

    Anyway, your child and your choice. I just err on the side of caution with some of these things because shit happens.

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