Are My Children Idiots (Or Is It Me)?

Yesterday I was disturbed by a bizarre shadow on the patio.

It was my 3 year old daughter doing laps on the kitchen roof.  It reminded me of writing  this:


I once met a mum who asserted that she would not be putting up stair gates as “children have an innate sense of fear” which would stop them from falling down the stairs.

I never saw her again, I can only presume she was busy ferrying her family to and from the hospital on a daily basis.

Children do not have an innate sense of fear, they are attracted to danger.

My daughters favorite game is hiding. This involves her covering her own eyes, thinking no one can see her and walking into lamp posts.

Living with a 0 year old and  a 2 year old is like starring in a daily episode of Jackass. But in our version of the show – ‘The Pre School Years’ instead of high fiving each other and saying ‘Dude that was sweeeeet’ after each stunt it’s just me running round the house all tense and sweaty, shouting ‘Put that down NOW!’

In short – my children are dumb.

And it is wearing me out.

At 11 months Eeh Bah Son has progressed from swaying around like his father on his way home from the pub and now his bandy little legs are propelling him speedily into walls, doors and table legs.

Yesterday he fell out of both the front and the back door (must buy a video camera).

The problem is a basic one of Mobility + Stupidity = Lumps and bruises all over forehead.

Both my children started to walk early. Eeh Bah Daughter was keen to get away from me at the earliest opportunity and in turn Eeh Bah Son has been desperate to escape the violent affections of his older sister.

At least now he is on the move the comments at playgroup have moved on from ‘What a pretty girl!’ to ‘Isn’t she quick!’ (must stop dressing him in his sisters old clothes… before I buy a video camera).

I am knackered, not quite new baby knackered (the pinnacle of knackered) or pregnant knackered (a special uber level of exhaustion reserved solely for the female sex) but a new knackered which I have hitherto never experienced. I call it looking after two children moving in different directions knackered (please feel free to suggest a better title I’m too tired to think of one).

Up until now when people have asked me ‘What’s like having two young children at 40?’ I have chirpily replied ‘Not so bad’.

What a fool I was.

The first rule of parenting is this: Never imagine you are in control. The moment you pretend to know what you are doing things will fall to shit.

Or as a wiser, more erudite man once said: This too shall pass.

If it’s all going well, know that soon it won’t be and if it’s going badly the one thing you can cling to is that things will get better (before getting worse again).

So if I am exhausted this week, next week something wonderful will happen (crosses fingers and hopes Eeh Bah daughter will magically potty train herself).

It seems I have woefully underestimated the amount of work involved with raising children – I imagined by now they would be bringing me breakfast in bed on a Sunday ( just tea and toast I wasn’t expecting Eggs Benedict). But instead it’s me doing all the work while they dance around the front room without a care in the world.

Like I said my children are geniuses.


19 thoughts on “Are My Children Idiots (Or Is It Me)?

  1. Eeh Bah Mum you give me a little bit of humour on the tedious days to make me think it’s not all so bad. And also a little bit of fear about how much harder it will be when I have more than one!

    • I don’t know if it’s necessarily harder having two – just different. I’d still be moaning if had the one.

  2. Hohoho all too true. Reminded me of my first rule of parenting, learned the hard way, “Don’t gloat!” (said in an Irish accent tho I’m not sure why!?) If you ever mention to anyone that your child is a good sleeper you can be certain they’ll be up every hour for the next month at least, equally, suggesting they’re a good eater will inevitably turn them into the pickiest person on the planet. I try to never even think anything positive about my kids, let alone utter it out loud, for fear of jinxing things.

  3. Great read. It reminded me of my children when they were 3 & 0. Like you, I was convinced that my son was playing with a few cards short of a full deck. If it is eases your mind any, it gets easier as they get older…don’t get me wrong, they will still do stupid things. Hell, I still do stupid things…

  4. I might not have two (I bow down to you) BUT I still find myself running around all day doing endless things like picking up pom poms and sweeping up glitter and doing all manner of crap, and at the end of the day I turn around and wonder what it is I’ve actually done that day. And I’m knackered. ALL.THE. TIME. P.s. and you are never in control – this took me a long time to learn. X.

  5. Lordy i know that feeling when Soph got her legs she walked into a fireplace and promtly sported a large egg on her head and 5 mins later did the same thing again two eggs on top of each other made her look like something from star trek., she has also fallen down the stair on her stomach twice and yes i did have a stair gate no idea how she managed that one.

  6. Oh the joys of having all that (very far) behind me. Keep the posts coming, Kirsty, They are making me laugh (in a not altogether sympathetic fashion) as you know we of the older generation have a certain smugness now that you younger ones are experiencing all this first hand now!!

    • Thanks for stopping by. I look forward to the backchat stage – at least it won’t just be me shouting pointlessly anymore.

  7. I find more than one easier than one – at least they play with each other sometimes and the pressure isn’t all on me 24/7 that way 🙂 Ozzy loves to pull his bobble hat down over his eyes and walk through woods – obviously donking many trees on the way – which he seems to like. Odd things are children…

  8. Hi, just read this (yea im late I know!) … I am 30 this year… mum to 2 daredevil daughters, 4 & 1 … Thank-you for writing this…I now know Im not alone! LOL! So far daughter #1 has landed us in hospital 3 times with head injuries, and has had countless other close shaves! Her little sister is following in her footsteps very quickly! At 12 months old she had figured out how to push a kitchen chair over to the workbench….climb onto the chair, then onto the worktop…and was then trying to figure out how to open the window! I have contemplated buying cages to keep them in one place so that I can pee without fear of needing to call an ambulance or the fire department!

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