Why both Bad Mum & Perfect Mum can fuck off.

Perfect Mum is dead.

She tripped over her Cath Kidston change bag, skidded on her highly polished kitchen floor and landed in an immaculately executed rainbow cake suffocating in the butter cream.

Thank fuck for that.

The problem is that now there’s a mummy shaped power vacuum and Bad Mum is stepping up. It seems we’re no longer struggling for domestic perfection we’re clambering over ourselves to be bad parents.

I get it – we like Bad Mum, she swears, she drinks, she reads her smartphone in the park while the kids face plant off the roundabout. On the surface that description does seem to fit my parenting style perfectly so you might imagine I’d be cheering Bad Mum on.

But I’m not.

I didn’t want to be Perfect Mum but I didn’t hate her either, she made cakes, what’s not to like about someone who bakes cakes?

To be honest Perfect Mum never really bothered me, if someone else wants to keep their house clean and *shudder* do crafts with their children, all power to their elbow. I will not be joining in mainly because I have a temperamental oven *ahem* and an aversion to cleaning other people’s shit up off the kitchen floor.

(I should point out that if there was actual shit on my kitchen floor I would totally clean it up, I’m not an animal.)

Whilst I’m indifferent about Perfect Mum I also don’t really like Bad Mum. Bad Mum can fuck right off, actually she’d probably like that so I shall just ask her politely to leave instead.

Not wanting to do crafts, never emptying the dishwasher and live tweeting my two year old’s tantrums does not make me a Bad Mum.

It makes me a mum. Just a mum, standing in front of a load of other mums and asking them to love me.

Or not. Whatevs.

Being generally a bit shit at housey type stuff, having a potty mouth or *whisper* finding some aspects of childcare fucking tedious (Oh no she didn’t) doesn’t make you a bad mum. Telling people you find life with small children challenging and that often your child looks smarter in the clothes from the nursery lost property than the outfit you actually sent them to nursery in, isn’t admitting you’re a bad parent it’s being honest. There is nothing wrong with being honest. Most people can get their heads round the simple fact that you can absolutely adore the fucking bones of someone whilst at the same time not being overly keen on them shitting on your sofa.

I think it’s time to step into Perfect Mum’s crisp white Converse and boot Bad Mum up the arse to clear the way for a  new mum movement. So far I’ve come up with:

I’m quite a good mum actually I just can’t really be bothered most of the time.

In many ways I’m fucking awesome but yes, I did buy that cake from a shop.

Good at some stuff, shit at others.

Okay my slogans may need some work, lets face it all of these are going to be difficult to embroider onto a banner, especially with my needle craft skills which, as you’d expect, are shite (where’s Perfect Mum when you need her?).

So I’ve decided to open it up to you. If you’re with me let me know, and someone please come up with a snappy name.

31 thoughts on “Why both Bad Mum & Perfect Mum can fuck off.

  1. Mediocre Mum?
    You wouldn’t want to put it on a badge but, let’s face it, that’s what most of us are. Luckily, to our kids we are fucking fantabulous freaking awesome mum.
    Crafts or no. Excessive wine consumption aside.

  2. With you all the way, and back. When I asked my 10yo what I should dress up as for school carnaval, He said ‘Super Mummy’ (this is a moment in his life when he wasn’t telling me how mean I am to make him ……… (fill gap with pick up his own shit, do his homework, wash his hands etc.)). So I went to the parade with my pants on over my jeans and a floppy eft hat. I did, however, draw the line at appliquéing SM onto my jumper – come to think of it, there does seem to be a lot of seeming S and M in trying to drag a child up to be a considerate human being…. hohum and we’ve been up for an hour… and they’ve forgotton it’s my b’day.

  3. I’m in. As someone’s who’s house resembles a disaster zone most days and does not ever partake in crafts. I do get a bit shouty but nobody could love my son more than I do

  4. Yeah, I hate doing crafts for my kids (they never do it themselves at this stage).
    I think Perfucked Mom is the perfect name for the middle ground, which is trotted by most, but admitted by few.

  5. Run-of-t’mill mum.
    Humdrum mum.
    Vanilla mum.
    Well, whatever you call it, I’m fully behind you. Genuine, witty and unpretentious. Keep it up I say. Now, must go, my son has his head in his cereal bowl. Yay.

  6. please please can I be in your gang? My witty name finding bit of brain is still under the duvet, while the rest of me is sat at work wondering how I got here. When you get a name for the Mums whose converse are 3 yrs old and whose baking is generally thrown out before it is eaten, then I want the badge. X

  7. Having a stab at it mum. I’m sitting at work having a breather after my triple drop off. It’s mornings like this when I get my three in the right places at the right time in the right clothes I know it’s ok. i don’t do ‘craft’ or ‘cakes’ because it’s better my kids don’t see me loose the plot. And that’s what I pay the nursery for

  8. How about Normal Mum because lets face it most of us are just like you, we don’t hate the Perfect Mums even though they make us feel a bit shit about ourselves at times and we’re not Bad Mums we’re just normal mums who love our kids but aren’t afraid to admit that some days are hard. Great post, really enjoyed reading it and agree totally with everything you said 🙂 x

  9. Brilliant! I’m glad to hear that we’re not on a perfect mum hating diatribe. I don’t hate perfect mums, I’m quite jealous of them; but I bloomin’ can’t bear crappy mums. I’m also delighted that there might be times when I fall into the category of Perfect Mum because I CRAFT. Oh yes. Sure, the dishwasher can stack itsbloodyself, whatevs re dirty floors, I’m the worst housewife in the univ, but boy do I CRAFT. I’m writing this on a crocheted computer don’t you know.

  10. Love this post! I reckon we are all Not Just a Mum – hate sodding housework, tidying, cooking, craft for bloody sure but love being a Mum (of One) and yet also love wine, cocktails, dancing, food, laughing, my mates, travel and that is what makes us so ace because we are rounded and (hopefully) interesting. Your kids should never be your whole world just the centre of it x

  11. How about ‘real mum’? Or ‘mum who lives in the real world but really is pretty fucking awesome’ Most days when I have got my 2 to school with the right bags and clothes in, without dying on the road, I feel that is a pretty good day. Well done you, you’re brilliant. Xx

  12. thank you for yet another great read!
    How about I’m Not Perfect But At Least My Child Likes Me Mum? I actually did bake something the other day – a gluten free vegan banana bread. It was hard as a brick and it took about 10 minutes to chew and swallow a bite. But my toddler still ate it. Now THAT is true love.

  13. I think you are just ACE and a Mom. You tell it like it is and surely no one can be perfect 24/7 – how do they not fart or dribble when they sleep???!! So fed up of these two camps forming. Just be a Mom to your kids and ultimately – they’re the ones whose opinions actually mean something!

  14. Pingback: Five Blogs 'Keeping it Real' when it comes to Parenting | Tots 100

  15. There’s a reason my own blog is justgoodenoughmum, because I think it defines me perfectly. Mostly I’m hanging on by my fingertips as I navigate parenthood to five very different young people, some of whom have additional needs, but nobody has died yet and three have made it to adulthood, so I figure I’m doing OK.

  16. ‘Haphazard parenting’ is the label I use. Oxford Dictionaries handily defines that as “Lacking any obvious principle of organization”, which sounds about right to me.

    As a child-rearing style, haphazard parenting has the advantage that when something happens to turn out well, you get to enjoy the surprise.

    I also like ‘wolf blanketing’ (final para) by Sophie Heawood’s friend Sarah: a delightfully nebulous parenting philosophy which you can use to retrospectively define anything you were doing anyway: “If a well-meaning friend asks why she is doing baby-led weaning (or why she isn’t), ‘wolf blanketing’ is the reply.”

  17. I love this post! I often feel guilty that I don’t enjoy the mundane. It’s actually not the kids who make it hard all the time it’s the housework and general slave like nature of it all (Ok so that bits the kids). I reckon Smummy is the term (Smart mummy). Smummy recognises shitty jobs as shitty jobs. Smummy doesn’t like getting up four hundred times to do something that the children have legs and arms for to do it themselves. And this particular Smummy does not do craft nor imaginative play but Is great at other stuff (can’t think of anything at this stage other than shopping lol!).

  18. You just won me back. I thought I was alone in not being super disillusioned. I do craft. I sing. I knit clothes for my children and touch alcohol about 3 times a year. Me and my husband believe in home education. I’m also shit at housework. I work full time and am sick of people asking when hubby will get a job because we are upsetting the gender steteotype. How someone maintains a beautiful house while a 2 year old does her thing and a 9 month screams if you consider moving more than two paces away from them is beyond me. Also I leave all baking to my husband for the good of the world. We’re all awesome mums.

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