We bought a house!

It’s been quiet on the blog recently because I’ve finally run out of things to say.

Mwahahaha. As if. Nah I had a break from writing over the summer so I could concentrate on shouting ‘Get back here now!’ at the kidlets. After seven weeks I can now project exactly the right level of anger and desperation.

Another reason I’ve not been blogging is because – we bought a house!

It’s amazing. And brown. Very, very brown. Apart from the bits that are orangey brown.

The house was built in the 50’s but inside looks very 80’s – we stripped walls to find out what was hidden underneath, only to discover, more 80’s! In some rooms there were three different layers of 80’s wallpaper.

Whoever lived in our home during that decade certainly liked decorating, although I’m not sure it was something they had a great talent for.

At some point a teenager has begged their parents to let them paint their bedroom walls black and red. Gloss. Why would anyone agree to this? I am now terrified. Exactly how bad are the teenage years that you would agree to black and red gloss walls?

I’m probably making things seem worse than they are. Perhaps it wasn’t a teenager, maybe our new family home was simply some kind of sex den in the 1980’s.

A lot of things happened to our house in the 80’s and most of them were bad.

Couple stand in the hallway of their new home, it’s hard to tell what they look like as they are shrouded in a misty cloud of Harmony hairspray and Impulse Dynamique body spray.

Her: Those skirting boards look a bit skirting boardy don’t they?

Him: Yeah let’s rip them out and replace them with tiny bits of shit wood.

Her: Ooh what colour should we paint them?

Him: Paint? It’s wood, you don’t need to paint wood, we’ll just stain it more brown.

Her: Good idea! Hey you know what would go well with all this wood?

Him: More wood?

Her: No plastic! Plastic doors that look like wood but aren’t wood.

Him: They’ll look great now and even better in 30 years time! We should do something about those ceilings, they’re all so smooth and flat.

Her: But there are so many different types of textured ceiling I wouldn’t know which to pick!

Him: No need to choose – we’ll have all of them!


Not to worry! The 80’s are back in fashion so instead of spending a gazillion pounds on Farrow & Ball paint which I’m guessing must be 98% unicorn tears at that the price, I spent only slightly less on a bunch of interior magazines in the desperate hope that they’d be stuffed full of cutting edge new designers redecorating their New York loft apartments in brown, complete with plastic wood effect doors, double glazing full of condensation and ceilings that look like my dead Nan’s Christmas cake.

They were not.

Unfortunately our house is not so out of fashion it’s about to come back into fashion. It’s just brown and brown is officially OUT although taupe and umber are fine. Anyway there’s no room for brown in stylish homes because everything is grey. Dark grey, stone grey, French grey, elephant grey, grey that looks just like white but is not, OK?

Who knew there were so many different shades of grey? Apart from the woman who wrote that pervy book.  Maybe the worlds of interior decoration and tacky erotic literature are in some kind of symbiotic relationship. I have no idea how these things work, that might totally be a thing.

It’s amazing how far your mind will wander when you have an entire house to un-brown.

Pop back later for more about the house and garden, when I’ll be selling a lung so I can paint my entrance hall in Farrow & Ball Down Pipe. I’m also working on a handy guide of ‘Things not to say to a Plasterer’, for starters no jokes about 1980’s sex dens.

Happy renovating!



Home Etc

14 thoughts on “We bought a house!

  1. Oh you’re back! I’ve missed you!
    I have been reduced to going waaaaay back and reading old posts to fill my afternoons at work!
    Happy new (brown) house!

  2. Aaagh! I can so relate to this – we moved into our house in January last year and every possible bit of wood was brown! We also had 4 toilets – in 4 different colours! We’ve done a lot to it, but sadly still have a brown, a green and a pink toilet!

  3. Back in the 1980s when my parents were looking for a house to buy I remember us looking around one that had all the walls painted in dark brown. My parents asked about the unusual choice and were told it was to hide all the dirty marks that children make. Um, yes, excellent tradeoff, living in Dungeon Gloom but no grubby fingerprints.

    I also remember there being electric fencing around the borders in the garden, which may have been another Preventative Measure Against Children. I hope for the sake of their kids it wasn’t!

  4. AHHH this post has cracked me up! Did you take any photos? PLEASE share some photos – I have to see this brown monstrosity you’ve described! The 80s make me laugh so much, I often have these made-up conversations in my head too, imagining a time when this decor was actually in fashion and couple would have looked at it proudly! Hah! On another note, I do love finding old decor when you strip wallpaper off, like find a history of the house, it’s quite fascinating! Sabrina xx #HomeEtc

  5. Haha! I loved this post!!! We’ve been here quite a few times. Our first house hadn’t been updated since the 1950s!! LOL! You’ll get there hun — and when you do, it will be gorgeous 🙂 Thanks for linking up with us lovely xx

    PS — hope to see you again tomorrow on #HomeEtc

  6. Pingback: Shit they don't tell you: Renovating a house - Eeh Bah Mum

  7. Ha, an old post but made me laugh. As a teenager I painted my room red and black, it made my nine inch nails posters look extra good. I didn’t ask permission, just did it during free periods at 6th form. Something for you to bear in mind, don’t give your teenagers the chance to develop decorating skills, and don’t give them an attic room..they can be doing anything in there!

    As a side not the stairs to my goth attic bedroom were artexed ceiling and walls. I lost count of the amount of painful scrapes if I missed a step as a kid (or a drunk goth)

    Good luck with the renovations!

  8. I feel like we missed out a little now with our move. We merely had the usual 60s carpeting, pineapple yellow and brown kitchen (so it must have been “in”) and a pink and avocado bathroom with penguin borders. I didn’t imagine at the time just how much worse it could have been! Good luck! O_o

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *