Potty Training Part 2: Return Of The Freddo

A 3 year old boy is sat on the toilet floor enthralled by an avant-garde theatre performance, a bowl of strawberries and melon chunks between his legs.

Also in the audience are 11 pirates and 5 vikings, all plastic, all armed with axes and cutlasses. Usually sworn enemies the pirates and vikings have called a truce while they both enjoy this inaugural experimental performance. This is an interactive piece, members of the audience chat to the performer asking questions as the artist performs her work which is provisionally titled: ‘Mummy shitting’.

Yes folks! Potty training is back and this time it’s penis shaped.

Every year newscasters report on the busiest travel weekend of the year illustrated with footage of airport queues and traffic jams, not once has the news ever covered the other summer rush. School holidays are also peak season for small children pissing their pants in public as a national wave of potty training gets underway.

Right now someone, somewhere, is trying to work out the best way to get urine out of a shaggy rug.

Wait til summer it’ll be easier! they say

It won’t. And you know it won’t. But you wait anyway because summer seems so far away and you’re secretly hoping the magic potty training fairy will visit before then.

She missed me out last time so maybe this time we’ll get lucky. I shouldn’t complain. My daughter toilet trained herself with no need for rewards, demonstrations or hourly warnings.

My son, it seems, is a different kettle of piss.

For two weeks now I have been staring at his genitals every hour monitoring his output to ensure it is delivered correctly to the right place.

It seems only fitting, smiling encouragingly at a penis is what brought my son into this world. There were no chocolate frog rewards for doing that bit though.

Many, many Freddo frogs have been consumed, every time my son has emptied his bowels a chocolate frog has died – either Eeh Bah Son triumphantly bites poor Freddo’s head clean off or the poor amphibian is anxiously nibbled to death whilst Mummy puts yet another wash on.

We are moving forwards, for the first week I spent a lot of time wiping wee from my eyes, crouched down in front of my son cheering him on I was not aware of the simple ‘finger on penis’ manoeuvre, because guess what? Mummy can pee hands free without showering the whole bathroom with piss.

It’s one of my many talents along with potty training or giving birth or breastfeeding stood up whilst making dinner with one hand. All skills I have mastered as a mother which are now totally redundant, just as I’ve cracked them at the second attempt I have no need for these skills ever again.

Unless I have another baby. Which is never going to happen, especially not now my business end has performed for vikings and pirate captains.

If anyone knows the best way to treat a wee sodden shaggy rug please get in touch. And best of luck to anyone else joining the summer time rush to ditch the nappies.

May your sofa cushions stay dry!



7 thoughts on “Potty Training Part 2: Return Of The Freddo

  1. I’m amazed at my sons ability to squeeze out the tiniest poo on demand (seriously – a quarter the size of a pea) to claim his ‘treat’ – yet fail to inform us of the avalanche of poo that he produces in his pull-ups!

  2. 10% white vinegar solution overnight, then in the wash. We’re past potty training thank god but one of them swallowed a coin yesterday and the other has “a sore bum” (not urine infection, not serious skin infection, GP drawing a blank has told me to look out for worms) which means I get to inspect the poos of not one but two pre-schoolers, oh lucky lucky me.

  3. I’m also potty training a boy and also discovered the secret of holding it down for him. However he will not poo on the potty and is starting to hold it in until bed time when we put a pull up on so any suggestions regarding encouraging poos on the potty would be great. My daughter was soooo easy to potty train……boys really are a whole different kettle of fish! I really want a visit from the potty training fairy!

  4. Holy moly, i think I can write a book just on penis pointing! I’m lucky that I don’t have much to deal with in that department… Christine, you are not alone on the code brown situation, I don’t feel a day is complete until I can retain the familiar scent of excrement up my nostrils! The post was completely on point for me and I can relate to all of it! Thank you for making me giggle at the daily frustration that I felt alone in coping with 😀

  5. My son is 3, we adopted him just when he’d turned 2, is a nightmare at this whole toilet training business!!! He has no problems going for a poo on the toilet and I quote, ” splash back mummy yay!” But he is far too busy playing with his tractors, diggers and as he calls them “nee naws” to stop for a wee, god forbid. Then all hell breaks loose as he performs his I need a wee and I need one now dance and whoever is in the loo gets raided like a crack swat team and then there’s tears as he doesn’t quite make it on time. He has taken to running round naked because it’s much quicker lol I just resort to gin and smile through gritted teeth as I mop yet another puddle of wee. In fairness the bathroom floor has never been so clean.

  6. Thanks for making me laugh out loud and realise I am not the only one in this boat….the comment, ‘do you need a wee’ followed by ‘are you sure’? Are forever etched on my brain x

  7. My son was easy. By day 3 one pair of pants and trousers lasted him all day. But I had been sitting him on a potty from as soon as he could sit up on his own so he knew exactly what to do. My daughter is completely different. Will not sit on a potty at all, screams the place down and goes completely stiff so I’m essentially lying her down on the potty! Not working at all with her!

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