An Open Love Letter to CBeebies (not suitable for children).


Before I start I should make it clear I like CBeebies. It is the closest thing to live in childcare I have.

However there is an inherent problem with children’s television, even Game Of Thrones would lose its shine for me if had to watch the same episode again and again and again.

Actually scrap that, bad example.

Watching Game Of Thrones repeatedly I might at least work out what the hell is going on. (Has he got the ring? What about her? What do you mean there’s no ring?)

Anyway back to the point. There are a few shows on CBeebies that have been getting right on my tits.

Mike The Knight

He’s not called that in our house. Self entitled little prick.

For the uninitiated let me summarize: Mike is a Knight, he lives in a castle, his mother is Queen his father is.. actually where the hell is his father? Did the animators find it too hard to draw a grown man?

A stupid posho, Mike’s sole aim in life is to do Knightly (or chivalrous as we’d say in proper English) deeds. Unable to learn from previous experience each episode sees him ignore the advice of his dragon friends and forge blindly ahead with some ill advised plan. His actions have wide reaching negative repercussions on the people in his kingdom. Just as everything turns to shit Mike performs a u turn and we all have a song and dance about how great he is.

Congratulations BBC!  You’ve commissioned an animated version of George Osborne’s childhood.

Unfortunately George has no dragon friends to rely on anymore (a falling out over his antics in the Bullingdon Club I suspect). So instead of a happy musical ending we are stuck with rising unemployment and a crippled benefits system.

I fully expect the Chancellor to appear in a suit of armour at this year’s party conference announcing his latest raft of policies with the slogan “It’s time to be Knight and do it right!”.

I Can Cook

Yes Katy and so could I if I had little elves who came round in the middle of the night and chopped everything up, weighed it all out and left it in neat little bowls.

But they don’t.

Little fuckers don’t exist.

The only time I attempt baking with the kids is when I simply cannot face the monumental struggle of getting everyone dressed to walk to the shops and buy a Kit Kat.

Last time I made muffins with Eeh Bah Daughter she started eating handfuls of dry flour until she decided she didn’t like the taste and gobbed it straight back into the mixing bowl.

Oh why aren’t the cooking elves real?

Something Special

I’m concerned that programme makers are running short of ideas. The other day I caught an episode where Justin taught his audience the sign for crazy golf.

I’m not exactly sure in what situation this would ever be a useful phrase for preschool children. Either the show has already exhausted any more basic vocabulary or there is something totally wrong in the way I parent and my kids are missing out hours of crazy golf fun (quickly checks local children’s centre activity list for golf).

On the subject of Mr Tumble if anyone has any juicy stories about Justin being a complete c*nt off screen please keep them to yourself. I LOVE HIM.

If the producers of Justin’s House need to save money they can come and film round my house anyday (don’t bring the robot).

Abney & Teal

This has that kooky, retro feel about it, all muted colours and twee music. It smacks to me of a programme that has been made for middle class parents who have homes filled with nice designer stuff (shifts uncomfortably on Eames chair, rearranges Midwinter pottery) and want to steer their offspring away from multi coloured plastic shit and Disney princesses.

I liked it.

I wanted my children to like it.

But they didn’t.

They prefer Mister Maker –  a show so brightly coloured I have yet to look directly at the screen for fear of ruining my laser eye surgery. Christ alone knows how the production team cope working on it. Mister Maker himself has the wild eyed stare I last saw stumbling out of Turnmills back in the 90’s.

Children like multi coloured plastic shit.

Shove your vintage wooden toys in your G Plan sideboard and embrace the petrochemicals. If it isn’t Made In China my kids don’t want to know.

In the Night Garden

The best part of my day is standing behind our huuuge fuck off telly watching my children, watching this show. The pure joy on their faces is matched by my joy knowing that they are only minutes from being locked in their bedrooms til morning. Bliss.

God Bless CBeebies.

11 thoughts on “An Open Love Letter to CBeebies (not suitable for children).

  1. Oh my goodness, I am wiping away the tears of laughter at this – THANK YOU!! You have put into words exactly how I feel and, although I hate to admit it, CBeebies has taken on a significant role in my childcare arrangements too. Wait until you enter the realms of CBBC (I have an 8 year old as well as a 4 year old), I promise more delights await. Love your blog, you make me feel like I am not alone in this journey we call motherhood 🙂

  2. In the Night Garden must be made by someone on a bad trip! And don’t get me started on Peppa Pig, the spoilt cow!

  3. I love that before i had children i was a right smug bitch thinking about how my child wouldnt be watching tv oh no… but here i am enjoying Wooley and Tig far more than my child (it gets Sky plussed in case we miss it) and i could literally squeeze Justin to death i love him so much! As for In The Night Garden… dont get me started the wines being uncorked before Iggle rides his crappy boat! Glad its not just me! 😀

  4. Your not wrong about cbeebies being the closest thing to free child care its the only time i get a chance to load the dish washer or dare i say get a chance to go to the loo all by myself .。 。 。 the thing i hate about cbeebies is its a bit like radio one in that they play the same shit over and over and over and over again i swear i have seen all the shows at least 12 times in 3 years i feel my intelligence being sucked from my brain as my eyes roll back and i sucum to a brain washing that has me stuck to an arm chair while im force fed repeats. Ps sophie and i had a one to one personnel meeting with Justin, he is Amazing and the nicest man i almost dropped to my knees to ask him to marry me if my hubby hadnt been standing beside me.

  5. Pingback: The Holy Grail of Parenting: Fresh Air + Animals = Sleep – eeh bah mum

    • Let me make this very clear I like him as a children’s entertainer I don’t have naughty dreams about him…

  6. Excellent as usual 😀 I just don’t get the Mr Tumble thing, though… Why do people like him??
    I cannot stand him and I find him outright creepy. Ugh, no, no and no. Just no. Give me ‘Andy’s Dinosaur Adventure ‘ any time 😉

  7. Abbey and Teal is about a band of ex confederate soldiers living on an island with a dog playing white folk music and a small member of the klu Klux Klan digging holes

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