Katie Hopkins: Crime Solver – A Drama for ITV4

Hopkins and her beautiful assistant (Samantha Brick) travel the country solving nursery based crimes. Simply by reading a name Katie can build an in-depth profile, a skill which comes in handy in her new role as a pioneering child crime fighter.

In their personal lives the two women must also fight – to overcome the world’s prejudice against their immense talent and beauty.

Alternative title suggestions:

The Girl who Kicked the Hornets Nest Repeatedly.

The Importance of being Ernest. Or Esme. Or India.

The No. 1 Most Hated Ladies Detective Agency.


Katie Hopkins: A sleuth with incredible powers of deduction. Katie’s USP is her marvellous crime fighting nose which can fit an offender to a crime by name. But these talents have led to her being misunderstood and reviled within the force.

Katie’s Sidekick: A beautiful woman with sorrowful eyes, a woman whose immense beauty has seen her passed over for promotion throughout her career. Saddened by her treatment from the female race she fights back in the only way she knows how writing inflammatory articles for the tabloids solving crime.

Tyler:  Nursery Criminal, does not do his homework, throws books across classroom.

Chardonnay: Another homework shirking book thrower.

Tilly Fizz & Jolly Apple: Children of celebrities who are not allowed to play with Katie’s children for reasons we are yet to establish but no doubt are perfectly reasonable.

Scene One: Int. Nursery

Katie casts her beady eye over the crime scene, sniffing the air gently with her powerful nostrils. On the floor is a chalk outline.

Katie: So this is where the Sticklebricks were last seen?

Katie’s Beautiful Sidekick: Yes Guv *tosses her hair and feels undervalued*

Katie snaps her fingers.

Katie: Bring me the nursery register it’s time to put a stop to this before anyone gets to the Playdoh.

Katie’s beautiful sidekick fetches the register in a manner that conveys she really should be doing something a bit more important. If only she wasn’t so damn beautiful.

KBA: Here you are Guv.

Katie runs her nostrils over the register before snapping the book shut.

Katie: Gather everyone in the quiet area.

Scene Two: Int. Nursery

The nursery staff and children are nervously sitting in the quiet area. Katie paces up and down in front of them stroking her marvellous crime solving nose.

Katie: Tyler stand up.

4 yr old Tyler stands up. Sticklebricks fall out of his pockets.

Katie points her finger at Tyler.

Katie: You’re Fired!

Next week: Someone has pooed in the sandpit will Katie sniff out the culprit?

7 thoughts on “Katie Hopkins: Crime Solver – A Drama for ITV4

  1. This is a French and Saunders sketch waiting to happen. You are very funny. I like the way you think after being out in the sun too long. Keep up the good work.

  2. Pingback: Does 'Bitchy Middle Class Mum' Exist? | Eeh Bah Mum

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