I am writing to inform you of an issue with a packet of bagels I purchased from one of your stores.
Skipping downstairs one crisp October morning after snuggles in bed with my two delightful children, my 2 year old son began demanding bagels by charmingly stamping his feet and shouting ‘I want a bagel’ at the top of his tiny, powerful lungs.
Dutifully I acquiesced. (I’m thinking of putting this on my tombstone.)
Unfortunately the bagel I prepared him had something terribly wrong with it.
Despite being adequately doughy and containing the standard hole in the middle as soon as it was laid upon the table my son threw himself down and began banging his forehead upon the wooden floor.
His body contorting he screamed ‘I don’t want a bagel!’ and ‘Take it away Mummy I don’t like it!’ yet bizarrely less than a minute before he had been asking for this very thing.
What had happened in that short space of time to cause such distress?
I can only assume that the bagel you have sold me has been possessed by evil.
The only answer I can find is that some malevolent force is trapped in that doughy hole and is intent on spreading horror and despair throughout the breakfast tables of the land.
(Have you been serving them to your accountants?)
Please could you investigate and let me know.
In the meantime we have moved onto crumpets as they looked like the bread products least likely to contain forces of evil.
Eeh Bah Mum