Facebook for New Parents

Babies are like fireworks: noisy, dangerously explosive and upsetting to cats and dogs.

Just like fireworks babies are best enjoyed from a safe distance and Facebook is the perfect way to share any baby news with  your nearest and dearest people you  once sat next to at a wedding.

The first rule about posting baby news on Facebook is this:

Everyone likes babies. But not as much as they like cats.

Think about it.

Your friend posts a picture of a cross eyed baby in an elf sleepsuit, everyone ‘likes’ it. So far so meh.

Your friend posts the same picture with a cat in the sleepsuit. That shit is going viral.

Babies first outing on Facebook will be in the form of a birth announcement. This should be short and to the point explaining what it is, how much it weighs and what it will be called.

(If anything proves how boring babies really are it’s the fact that we describe them in terms of weight. Like a bag of flour.)

Ideally the Father should post the announcement  because it’s about time he did something  the new mother will be tired and emotional.*

If I had been let loose on Facebook after giving birth I would have posted something like this:

I have a baby! It’s a boy… or a girl, one of the two. I don’t remember much after the bit where I thought I was going to die. It’s got a head – a big fuck off head – I remember that. Everything anyone ever told me about giving birth was total bollocks. I’m off to pop more pills now. Tatty Bye.

Fortunately I have a wonderfully supportive partner who knows to keep me away from social media when I am wasted.

You may include a photo but if you want to save time just use one of your friend’s pictures – no one will notice – new born babies all look the same anyway. Unlike cats.

On no account should any gory details of the birth be included. If you have plans  to eat  the placenta keep them to yourselves. Unless they involve a cat in which case the world needs to know.

Once the baby is home  you will want to share his or hers many firsts.  Always remember the baby/cat rule and ask yourself the question before posting:

Is this photo of my precious firstborn as good as a picture of a cross eyed cat dressed up as an elf?

Finally if you’re fed up of seeing your Facebook timeline full of other people’s baby photos why not get some new friends? Horrible, unpopular friends who won’t attract members of the opposite sex and procreate.

Better still get a  cat.


*off her face on prescription drugs.

2 thoughts on “Facebook for New Parents

  1. I started reading at your newest post, last night, and picked up again this morning and this is where I’ve reached thus far. Not laughed so much in a long time, your humour is similar to mine but mine’s not allowed such a free reign on my blog (It’s there but I’m thinking it really should be there more; need to stop reigning in those errant, sarcastic, dry comments)

    Anywho, the post. My first text to the pre-made ‘baby’ list on my phone was along the lines of

    ‘I’m still high on gas and hair but…’ and then I did the baby stuff. For friends who’d seen me a day or two before (my son was early so I’d still been getting on with normal life until the evening before it all went boom) they got a bit stuck on the ‘high’ bit and were rather confused before reading on. I only had about 4 puffs of the stuff, After he was born and they were trying to stop me from being a bit dead, but it definitely shouldn’t have directly preceded the text sending. My best friend still reminds me how perplexed he was when he got that txt… who needs that ‘We’ve had a baby’ thing, definitely gas and air first!

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