How to Stay Sane in the Summer Heat.

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Before I had children I liked ice cubes a lot. What’s not to like about something that is an integral part of a Mojito?

Now I have small children I think ice cubes are fucking awesome.

The past week has been hot and sunny and my children have been tired and grumpy. This is not what I envisaged when I signed on to be a Stay At Home Mum. I hoped I would be sitting in the garden reading a book whilst being playfully splashed by my children in the paddling pool laughing at all my mates sitting sweating in hot offices.

Now I realise that small children and hot sun do not mix well. My 2 year old is currently covered in a heat rash so violent I actually Googled to check it was not the bubonic plague (it’s almost definitely not).

My son, who we have already established is a dick, is now a hot dick. He is again possibly teething, and he has a cold or maybe it is looking at his spot covered sister that is making him cry.

It makes me want to cry.

Parenting Job Description

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Required Knowledge, Skills, and Abilities

• Above average skills in: Cataloguing and maintenance of a variety of special sticks, leaves and pine cones.

All candidates should be able to identify and look after important sticks and any special stones selected from car parks. Colleagues will need to be kept updated of the movements of any special items (Yes darling your pine cones are still in my handbag.)

Any disposal of important sticks, leaves or pebbles will be considered gross misconduct.

• Demonstrated ability to: Still see people even when they are covering their own eyes.

Candidates will be expected to play a version of the popular game Hide & Seek which involves neither hiding nor seeking but simply counting to 10 then pretending not to see someone standing directly in front of you.

How to be Left the F@*k Alone by Small Children.

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Are you one of those people who tuts loudly when small children ruin your peaceful coffee break?

Well I am (supposedly) in charge of those small children. And when you tut it just makes matters worse (for you, not me, my coffee break was already ruined).

Let’s see if we can’t work out a plan and save us all from unnecessary tutting.

To avoid children you must first know what attracts children. Only then will you truly master the art of having a nice, peaceful cup of tea.

Do not think that just because a cafe serves fancy coffee and sandwiches on bread with unpronounceable names it will be a child free zone. Children are adapting and moving into new areas previously thought to be inhospitable to them. Hummus and pesto are the new fish fingers and beans to many families.

7 Ways Festival Season can Prepare you for Parenthood.

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1. You are used to all your money disappearing.

When you party hard it is customary to wake up the next day with no money and no idea where your money went.

Never mind, you tell yourself, at least I had a good time and I still have both my kidneys.

And a giant pair of comedy glasses…where the hell did they come from?

When you have children your money disappears in a similar way but you have not always had a good time. Sometimes you have had a terrible time. And you have spent all your money on having a terrible time.

And more importantly you have not even been out.

You have simply spunked all your cash on nappies, baby wipes and nipple cream (which is nowhere near as much fun as it sounds).

Why is everyone Scottish on CBeebies?

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Nina and the Neurons, Granny Murray, Woolly &Tig, Nurse Morag:

Yes, CBeebies is teaching children that the world is full of friendly Scottish people with entirely comprehensible accents.

Cartoons have come under fire for portraying male role models negatively. But what about female role models? I decided to take a closer look at CBeebies.

Other channels are available.

But not in our house.

Every time adverts appear my daughter starts crying ‘Where has my telly gone Mummy?’

Whilst I can sing all the songs and repeat entire shows worth of dialogue I am totally clueless about what is actually happening on screen because telly time is when I get stuff done. (Dinner tonight brought to you care of Tesco’s and Get Squiggling.)

In fact the only time I have ever watched what’s on the screen I saw the Tweenies playing with Jimmy Savile.

So no cause for concern there then.

Babywearing for beginners.

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If you’re a fashionista in a panic you’ve missed a key trend for next season don’t worry!

Babywearing is a way to transport an actual baby. Like pushing a pram except instead of wheels you use your legs. Totes amaze!

Wearing your baby means no swearing as you try to ram your pushchair through shop doors but also nowhere to hide the 6 bottles of wine you have bought.

When I wrote What Does Your Pram Say About You? I deliberately left out slings because everyone knows that wearing your baby in a sling says one thing:

I am a tie dye wearing hippy with hairy armpits.

Now I know this is not the truth I have happily worn both my children and let me tell you my armpits are perfectly hair free.

But it seems that wearing your baby does project a certain image. Whilst wearing my son in New York I was asked if I was into, like, attachment parenting?

I replied yes we were quite attached to our children, more so the eldest as the younger one could be a bit of a pain at times.

Wearing your baby is like walking around in a lovely big cuddle, a cuddle that sometimes ends up with one of you being sick whilst strapped to the others chest.

As you can see there are positives and negatives to the whole babywearing thing: This is what I have learned about slings, wraps ‘n ting.

In which I ask Daily Mail readers what to make of Kate Winslet’s baby news (brace yourselves).

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So I was reading The Daily Mail online ( I know: No good sentence ever started with these words but stick with me).

I was reading The Daily Mail for research purposes when a story broke that was so huge I had to drop everything and write this post.

Shit the bed people Kate Winslet is pregnant!

Unable to make up my mind what I should think about a woman I have never met having a baby with her husband I turned to the comments at the bottom of the article – 476 at the time of writing – to find out what readers of The Daily Mail think about it.

OK so they’re not just readers of The Daily Mail, they are readers of The Daily Mail who have been so moved by a Daily Mail article they felt compelled to comment.

Most comments were negative although to be fair there were a few people sticking up for Kate, an effort I can only liken to watching a small boy trying to piss out a forest fire.

A letter to my beautiful daughter (or as Jo Swinson would prefer Dear Fugly)

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You are without doubt the most frustratingly brilliant person I have ever met. Your beautiful brother is totally amazing too but we’ve seen it all before and are therefore less impressed. (Am I allowed to call my son beautiful as he’s a boy?) I wanted to write you a letter to capture where you are […]

How to name your baby.

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Naming a baby is the fun part of having children. Personally I think the mother has final say in the decision because no one should argue with a woman who’s just given birth – even if she is off her face on gas and air and wants to call the baby Biscuitfingers. (I would LOVE […]