Has anyone told Jane Austen about Twitter and the £10 note?

Posted on by

Dearest Jane,

Allow me to introduce myself. Like you I am 41 years old and I also fantasize about James McAvoy wearing britches. Unlike you I am not dead, I own my own property and despite being unmarried, I have 2 children. ( I know get the smelling salts out.)

I couldn’t find you on Facebook or Instagram where I looked for you posing for selfies in a fetching bonnet. Maybe that’s because you have been dead for over 150 years – I’ll check Myspace.

I am writing to apprise you of the political furore you have unwittingly stirred up. Whip out your fan, my dear and get ready to hide your blushes.

You are going to be on the £10 pound note.

Totes amaze! That is some hot bonnet there lady!

How to fail at toilet training. Repeatedly.

Posted on by

My daughter is clever, bright and funny, she will be 3 years old this month and I have absolutely no control over her whatsoever.

For a year now potty training has been a niggling thorn in my side. Friend’s children were ‘done’ at 2 but I was desperate to not be the competitive mum. To be happy whatever happened. To not put pressure on me or her.

Which you must admit is a lovely idea.

How to get Kick Ass Creative

Posted on by

Back in the days when I had a proper job I worked in television development. This involved being paid to think up new programme ideas. It sounds like fun and it was.

Whilst there was a lot of sitting around drinking tea there was also a great deal of being told your ideas are shit.

In fact it was mainly being told your ideas are shit and then having all the reasons why your ideas are shit pointed out to you before being sent away to go and think up some more ideas that are not quite so shit.

Eventually I got quite good at thinking up ideas that are not, at first glance, complete shit.

And I developed the creative hide of a rhino.

I recently attended a session at the Edinburgh TV Festival where TV bigwigs discussed how to create an atmosphere of er, creativity. It was all about moving away from the daily grind using ping pong tables, glass boxes and cushions.

Well I’m one step ahead of them – I have a floor carpeted with wooden train tracks, some Donna Wilson cushions and a toddler who asks why? at least fifty times a day so here are my top tips for getting kick ass creative.

Should I Have a Baby Shower?

Posted on by

When I was expecting I worried about lots of things which seem silly now. Now I have expected what I was expecting ( twice)  I have more serious things to worry about –  like can you get fat from pretend eating plastic hotdogs? And when should I stop feeding my son his food in a bowl on the floor like a dog?

If there’s one thing mums-to-be are missing out on it is confusing ill thought out advice.

Why should the government have all the fun?

So I have decided to answer imaginary questions that I have not been asked. It’s like that time I wrote my own totally awesome version of Just Seventeen.

Should I have a baby shower?

Running Vs Looking After Small Children.

Posted on by

1. If you’re doing it right you will look like crap.

If you go for a run and come back with a healthy sheen and a big smile you need to turn your ass round and do it all again.

If have been looking after small children and your clothes and hair remain immaculate you have not been looking after them properly. You have been letting them watch telly (don’t worry we all do it) and not feeding them.

2. You can buy all the gear you want but it won’t help you.

Both small children and running are supported/ exploited by a huge amount of companies and products but all the high wicking fabric in the world isn’t going to make you a better runner.

The same with small children, you can spend literally thousands of pounds on plastic stuff from China but at some point it will boil down to you and a toddler going mano a mano.

A guide to eating out with small children (with help from readers of The Daily Mail.)

Posted on by

When you take small children out to eat you have exactly however long it takes to order and eat one course minus 7 minutes before it all goes horribly wrong.

It makes no difference how quickly the food arrives the last 7 minutes of your meal will be spent shovelling  hot food into your mouth whilst one of you jiggles the baby or takes a toddler for a walk around the block.

One course? But what about starters and puddings?

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Oh sorry was that a genuine question?