If you are a woman of a certain age without children you will regularly be asked whether you want to have them. There is only one way to avoid this and that is to go ahead and have children. Admittedly this is not an ideal start to a family. Child: Mummy why did you have a […]
This has been sitting unpublished for over a year: If you’re reading this expecting the usual light hearted look at the world of parenting small children then click here and go watch a monkey riding a pig instead. Also if you are still recovering from a miscarriage please get off the Internet now. Google is […]
Seriously Father’s Day – what’s that all about? Before you get all upset and point out how important fathers are I’m not ungrateful for all the support and I totally understand the point of it regarding my own Dad. It’s the present buying I have an issue with. Men are hard enough to buy presents […]
This week I did something I swore I would never do. I lied about my parenting skills to make myself look better. I decided quite some time ago not to give a shit about what other people think. Mainly because other people have no idea what the rest of my life is like so I ignore […]
3rd: Shower Cat. How to play: One player has a shower while the other player is the shower cat. A shower cat is a cat that lives in the shower, being the shower cat involves crawling around the bottom of the shower on all fours licking your paws and wagging an imaginary tale. The game […]
You will wonder if you had children too early in life.
And if you have had them too late.
You will have both these thoughts an equal amount of times no matter if you had children at 18 or 48.
Oh and yes you probably should have had them earlier. Or later. Whatever.
You did it wrong.
If you were to wander the moors above my house you would oft hear my voice gently trilling: ‘Where in the name of fucking fuck is the lid for this bastard cup!’ (Actually you wouldn’t hear this at all. I never swear in front of my children. They have no idea who their mother really […]
Babies are like fireworks: noisy, dangerously explosive and upsetting to cats and dogs. Just like fireworks babies are best enjoyed from a safe distance and Facebook is the perfect way to share any baby news with your nearest and dearest people you once sat next to at a wedding. The first rule about posting baby […]
When children first learn to speak they are very honest.
Dog! Cow! Man! Fat Man! Fat Man! Look Mummy Fat Man!
By the time they hit three they are already learning the dramatic art of subtext. In our humdrum daily lives simple words often have a deeper, richer meaning. Like this:
Mummy I haven’t broken your umbrella.
Subtext: Your umbrella is broken. Exactly how or why this happened cannot be ascertained at this moment but is probably linked to a three year old waving the umbrella about like a magic wand. Oh and the vase in the living room, that’s broken too.
When you are pregnant there are lots of online guides you can sign up to for weekly updates on your unborn child filled with useless information ‘ Your baby is the size of a pea and can move it’s fingers. You will be feeling tired and achy.’ No shit Sherlock. Pregnant women don’t need to […]
