Has anyone told Jane Austen about Twitter and the £10 note?

Posted on by

Dearest Jane,

Allow me to introduce myself. Like you I am 41 years old and I also fantasize about James McAvoy wearing britches. Unlike you I am not dead, I own my own property and despite being unmarried, I have 2 children. ( I know get the smelling salts out.)

I couldn’t find you on Facebook or Instagram where I looked for you posing for selfies in a fetching bonnet. Maybe that’s because you have been dead for over 150 years – I’ll check Myspace.

I am writing to apprise you of the political furore you have unwittingly stirred up. Whip out your fan, my dear and get ready to hide your blushes.

You are going to be on the £10 pound note.

Totes amaze! That is some hot bonnet there lady!

How to get Kick Ass Creative

Posted on by

Back in the days when I had a proper job I worked in television development. This involved being paid to think up new programme ideas. It sounds like fun and it was.

Whilst there was a lot of sitting around drinking tea there was also a great deal of being told your ideas are shit.

In fact it was mainly being told your ideas are shit and then having all the reasons why your ideas are shit pointed out to you before being sent away to go and think up some more ideas that are not quite so shit.

Eventually I got quite good at thinking up ideas that are not, at first glance, complete shit.

And I developed the creative hide of a rhino.

I recently attended a session at the Edinburgh TV Festival where TV bigwigs discussed how to create an atmosphere of er, creativity. It was all about moving away from the daily grind using ping pong tables, glass boxes and cushions.

Well I’m one step ahead of them – I have a floor carpeted with wooden train tracks, some Donna Wilson cushions and a toddler who asks why? at least fifty times a day so here are my top tips for getting kick ass creative.

Should I Have a Baby Shower?

Posted on by

When I was expecting I worried about lots of things which seem silly now. Now I have expected what I was expecting ( twice)  I have more serious things to worry about –  like can you get fat from pretend eating plastic hotdogs? And when should I stop feeding my son his food in a bowl on the floor like a dog?

If there’s one thing mums-to-be are missing out on it is confusing ill thought out advice.

Why should the government have all the fun?

So I have decided to answer imaginary questions that I have not been asked. It’s like that time I wrote my own totally awesome version of Just Seventeen.

Should I have a baby shower?

A guide to eating out with small children (with help from readers of The Daily Mail.)

Posted on by

When you take small children out to eat you have exactly however long it takes to order and eat one course minus 7 minutes before it all goes horribly wrong.

It makes no difference how quickly the food arrives the last 7 minutes of your meal will be spent shovelling  hot food into your mouth whilst one of you jiggles the baby or takes a toddler for a walk around the block.

One course? But what about starters and puddings?

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Oh sorry was that a genuine question?

How to Stay Sane in the Summer Heat.

Posted on by

Before I had children I liked ice cubes a lot. What’s not to like about something that is an integral part of a Mojito?

Now I have small children I think ice cubes are fucking awesome.

The past week has been hot and sunny and my children have been tired and grumpy. This is not what I envisaged when I signed on to be a Stay At Home Mum. I hoped I would be sitting in the garden reading a book whilst being playfully splashed by my children in the paddling pool laughing at all my mates sitting sweating in hot offices.

Now I realise that small children and hot sun do not mix well. My 2 year old is currently covered in a heat rash so violent I actually Googled to check it was not the bubonic plague (it’s almost definitely not).

My son, who we have already established is a dick, is now a hot dick. He is again possibly teething, and he has a cold or maybe it is looking at his spot covered sister that is making him cry.

It makes me want to cry.

Parenting Job Description

Posted on by

Required Knowledge, Skills, and Abilities

• Above average skills in: Cataloguing and maintenance of a variety of special sticks, leaves and pine cones.

All candidates should be able to identify and look after important sticks and any special stones selected from car parks. Colleagues will need to be kept updated of the movements of any special items (Yes darling your pine cones are still in my handbag.)

Any disposal of important sticks, leaves or pebbles will be considered gross misconduct.

• Demonstrated ability to: Still see people even when they are covering their own eyes.

Candidates will be expected to play a version of the popular game Hide & Seek which involves neither hiding nor seeking but simply counting to 10 then pretending not to see someone standing directly in front of you.

How to be Left the F@*k Alone by Small Children.

Posted on by

Are you one of those people who tuts loudly when small children ruin your peaceful coffee break?

Well I am (supposedly) in charge of those small children. And when you tut it just makes matters worse (for you, not me, my coffee break was already ruined).

Let’s see if we can’t work out a plan and save us all from unnecessary tutting.

To avoid children you must first know what attracts children. Only then will you truly master the art of having a nice, peaceful cup of tea.

Do not think that just because a cafe serves fancy coffee and sandwiches on bread with unpronounceable names it will be a child free zone. Children are adapting and moving into new areas previously thought to be inhospitable to them. Hummus and pesto are the new fish fingers and beans to many families.

7 Ways Festival Season can Prepare you for Parenthood.

Posted on by

1. You are used to all your money disappearing.

When you party hard it is customary to wake up the next day with no money and no idea where your money went.

Never mind, you tell yourself, at least I had a good time and I still have both my kidneys.

And a giant pair of comedy glasses…where the hell did they come from?

When you have children your money disappears in a similar way but you have not always had a good time. Sometimes you have had a terrible time. And you have spent all your money on having a terrible time.

And more importantly you have not even been out.

You have simply spunked all your cash on nappies, baby wipes and nipple cream (which is nowhere near as much fun as it sounds).