No. Under no circumstances should anyone ever take a toddler to a festival. Look what happened to Chris Martin – 10 years he had to put up with all that macrobiotic shit. Any more questions? OK then. As you were. But hang on I’m still thinking of taking a toddler to a festival…. OK let me […]
I don’t normally do reviews on my blog so for my first I have decided to review Mother’s Day 2014. 2014 was my third Mother’s Day as an actual mother and yet again Mr Eeh Bah moaned about having to sort things out ‘You’re not my mum’ he repeats every year. ‘Yes darling but I […]
You will wonder if you had children too early in life.
And if you have had them too late.
You will have both these thoughts an equal amount of times no matter if you had children at 18 or 48.
Oh and yes you probably should have had them earlier. Or later. Whatever.
You did it wrong.
If you were to wander the moors above my house you would oft hear my voice gently trilling: ‘Where in the name of fucking fuck is the lid for this bastard cup!’ (Actually you wouldn’t hear this at all. I never swear in front of my children. They have no idea who their mother really […]
Before I had children I used to go to the hairdressers. This was known as ‘getting a haircut’. Now I am a parent I still go to the hairdressers but this is considered me time. It’s essentially the same thing but now the act of hair shortening is supposed to be some sort of treat. Well I’m sorry but going to […]
When children first learn to speak they are very honest.
Dog! Cow! Man! Fat Man! Fat Man! Look Mummy Fat Man!
By the time they hit three they are already learning the dramatic art of subtext. In our humdrum daily lives simple words often have a deeper, richer meaning. Like this:
Mummy I haven’t broken your umbrella.
Subtext: Your umbrella is broken. Exactly how or why this happened cannot be ascertained at this moment but is probably linked to a three year old waving the umbrella about like a magic wand. Oh and the vase in the living room, that’s broken too.
As a parent you spend a lot of time and effort trying to persuade your children to do something for the first time only to realise, too late, that life was better before they learnt this skill.
We are going away skiing for a whole week. Without the kids. Mr Eeh Bah is worried we will miss them. ‘I’m worried we’ll miss the kids.’ He moans. ‘But there’s free champagne and a hot tub’. I reply incredulous. ‘A week is a long time to be away.’ He claims. Not when you’re drunk […]
Christmas is for children. Which is weird because mine have put in zero effort so far. Here are a few things you need to know about the festive season with children. Christmas trees are dangerous Even if you have those well behaved small children who never climb shelves and frisbee books at your face Christmas […]
William Morris said ‘Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful’. I chant this every time I enter Poundland. But still the beautiful, useful crap keeps piling up and every time I move from the sink to the fridge I have to wade through 4 inches of plastic food.We have a plan to entice our daughter into playing in her bedroom. Apparently the answer is simple: A rug.
People joke about women buying candles and cushions but no one ever mentions men and their obsession with rugs and offensively patterned duvet covers.
