Buying a pram is the most complicated adult process you can go through that doesn’t require a solicitor.
Most parents buy their prams before baby arrives. If you’ve ever ordered lunch for someone who is late you will know what a complicated decision making process that can be, when you are buying a pram you are essentially choosing something for a person who doesn’t even exist yet.
Having said that I doubt there is a mother alive who didn’t know Kate Middleton would buy a Bugaboo. The go-to travel system for people with well to do grandparents, they are designed for ‘busy urban lifestyles’ and let’s face it if anyone is going to be hopping on and off a London bus it’s the style conscious wife of the future King of England.
The Bugaboo is the pram equivalent of an LK Bennet nude court shoe.
Buying the pram is also the first time your partner shows any interest whatsoever in the baby you are about to have – it’s the type of shopping Mr Eeh Bah likes to create a spreadsheet for (no joke).
So while your other half gets all Jeremy Clarkson (I mean in a vehicle reviewing sense not punching Piers Morgan or insulting Mexicans) here are the questions most mums-to-be will want answering.
How do I look pushing the pram?
Go on try it….Yeah you’ll look great cruising down the high street off to grab a coffee.
Now try pushing the pram with one hand whilst holding a hot beverage in the other hand. Can you still steer?
Great! You’re a natural…..Damn, now the phone is ringing.
Try holding the pram steady with your leg – there is a brake but it will not really work very well… oh and you’re wearing flip flops, you cannot apply a pram brake wearing flip flops – FACT.
Anyway concentrate – with your lower body stop your beloved child from rolling off into oncoming traffic, hold hot drink in one hand and answer your phone before… no missed it.
It’s your partner, call him back, (try hitting buttons with your chin). He is ‘just phoning to check you are alright?’
You are not alright. You are trying to stop your most treasured possession (the baby not the pram) from rolling into a busy road whilst drinking coffee (stick to soft drinks in future) and shouting swearwords into the phone.
So how do you look pushing the pram?
You look like someone people would cross the street to avoid.
In short you look like a new mum. So go ahead buy the yellow umbrella or the grey one, who gives a toss.
Which way should baby be facing?
For those of you out of the loop the big development in pushchairs is that they are nearly all now parent facing. Basically it means that when you are at your wits end with the baby crying in the house you can leave home and still have a baby screaming in your face.
Isn’t modern design wonderful? God forbid that you and your baby should go out for a relaxing stroll and look at trees or dogs or other people enjoying themselves without children, no there must be direct line of sight between you and your baby at all times.
I used an old non parent facing pram which was cheap/ free and was lovingly nicknamed The Beast.
The downside of the outward facing pram is that you have to decipher what your child is doing by reading the looks on people’s faces as they walk towards you.
Here is a quick guide:
Smiles or comments about how cute your child is = Baby is asleep.
Pitying looks = Baby is crying.
Looks of horror = Baby is covered in vomit or the wind has stuck a crisp packet to it’s face.
What does this pram say about me as a mother?
For example a Stokke pram looks like you are wheeling a bar stool around the streets and allows your baby to sit up high. It says ‘I am design conscious and my house is full of expensive things that this child will ruin’ – and my baby is staring directly in your face, look at my baby, LOOK AT IT.
Do not buy this pram if there is the slightest chance your baby will be ugly.
If this were a shoe it would be a Nicholas Kirkwood or Charlotte Olympia showstopper.
A three wheeler says ‘I am sporty and health conscious and I walk everywhere and shop at farmers markets’ – mainly because I cannot get my pram on the bus or through the door of any high street shops.
These prams are heavy I wouldn’t be surprised if Jessica Ennis is not pushing a Phil & Ted’s as part of her training regime.
They are the shoe equivalent of a pair of Birkenstocks (not the fancy fur lined Celine ones).
And of course then there is the Maclaren that you will end up buying in the end anyway.
It’s the push chair that laughs in the face of all the other fancy travel systems.
As far as footwear goes the Maclaren is an old pair of Converse – while all the other shoes are at home gossiping in the bottom of the wardrobe these are out doing all the work.
But which one did you choose?