It’s been quiet on the blog recently because I’ve finally run out of things to say.
Mwahahaha. As if. Nah I had a break from writing over the summer so I could concentrate on shouting ‘Get back here now!’ at the kidlets. After seven weeks I can now project exactly the right level of anger and desperation.
Another reason I’ve not been blogging is because – we bought a house!
It’s amazing. And brown. Very, very brown. Apart from the bits that are orangey brown.
The house was built in the 50’s but inside looks very 80’s – we stripped walls to find out what was hidden underneath, only to discover, more 80’s! In some rooms there were three different layers of 80’s wallpaper.
Whoever lived in our home during that decade certainly liked decorating, although I’m not sure it was something they had a great talent for.
At some point a teenager has begged their parents to let them paint their bedroom walls black and red. Gloss. Why would anyone agree to this? I am now terrified. Exactly how bad are the teenage years that you would agree to black and red gloss walls?
I’m probably making things seem worse than they are. Perhaps it wasn’t a teenager, maybe our new family home was simply some kind of sex den in the 1980’s.
A lot of things happened to our house in the 80’s and most of them were bad.
Couple stand in the hallway of their new home, it’s hard to tell what they look like as they are shrouded in a misty cloud of Harmony hairspray and Impulse Dynamique body spray.
Her: Those skirting boards look a bit skirting boardy don’t they?
Him: Yeah let’s rip them out and replace them with tiny bits of shit wood.
Her: Ooh what colour should we paint them?
Him: Paint? It’s wood, you don’t need to paint wood, we’ll just stain it more brown.
Her: Good idea! Hey you know what would go well with all this wood?
Him: More wood?
Her: No plastic! Plastic doors that look like wood but aren’t wood.
Him: They’ll look great now and even better in 30 years time! We should do something about those ceilings, they’re all so smooth and flat.
Her: But there are so many different types of textured ceiling I wouldn’t know which to pick!
Him: No need to choose – we’ll have all of them!
Not to worry! The 80’s are back in fashion so instead of spending a gazillion pounds on Farrow & Ball paint which I’m guessing must be 98% unicorn tears at that the price, I spent only slightly less on a bunch of interior magazines in the desperate hope that they’d be stuffed full of cutting edge new designers redecorating their New York loft apartments in brown, complete with plastic wood effect doors, double glazing full of condensation and ceilings that look like my dead Nan’s Christmas cake.
They were not.
Unfortunately our house is not so out of fashion it’s about to come back into fashion. It’s just brown and brown is officially OUT although taupe and umber are fine. Anyway there’s no room for brown in stylish homes because everything is grey. Dark grey, stone grey, French grey, elephant grey, grey that looks just like white but is not, OK?
Who knew there were so many different shades of grey? Apart from the woman who wrote that pervy book. Maybe the worlds of interior decoration and tacky erotic literature are in some kind of symbiotic relationship. I have no idea how these things work, that might totally be a thing.
It’s amazing how far your mind will wander when you have an entire house to un-brown.
Pop back later for more about the house and garden, when I’ll be selling a lung so I can paint my entrance hall in Farrow & Ball Down Pipe. I’m also working on a handy guide of ‘Things not to say to a Plasterer’, for starters no jokes about 1980’s sex dens.