Let’s just decorate the bedrooms, we said.
Let’s just make it nice for the kids, we said.
Let’s leave all the big stuff til next year, we said.
At least I think that’s how the conversation went, I certainly don’t remember getting completely shitfaced and shouting ‘Bollocks! Let’s just rip all the floors up and pull down the ceilings.’ But somehow while I was distracted by fancy wallpaper with swans on it that’s what happened.
Fucking swans. I blame George Osborne.
The plan was to decorate three bedrooms, first we ripped out all the wooden bedroom suites – the previous owners had taken large light filled rooms and fitted them with wardrobes, vanity units and bedside tables recreating a ‘hotel feel’ in the bedrooms. Not one of those posh hotels with a spa and a Michelin starred restaurant, more like that hotel your horrible ex boyfriend took you to where you finally realised he was a dick and you had a massive fight and ended up sleeping on the floor next to a broken trouser press. That kind of hotel.
Not to worry I might not be great at making stuff look nice but pulling stuff that looks crap apart is my speciality. Two skips later and we were ready to decorate. The traditional system involves spending a fortune on tiny tester pots, painting seven slightly different neutral shades on a wall and arguing about them until one of you starts Googling if anyone a has ever successfully cited Farrow & Ball Dimpse as a reason for divorce.
Fortunately we have lots of other things to argue about so I decided to skip the entire tester pot step and adopt a more modern approach – using Pinterest. For those of you unaware of Pinterest it’s basically pictures of shit that looks really, really good. The kind of shots you imagine you’re taking when you Instagram your dinner but you’re not so stop it, it’s just a fucking sandwich, no one cares.
My innovative approach to decorating involves looking at heavily styled photos of a fancy magazine editor’s airy New York loft apartment and deciding that their wallpaper and paint colour scheme will look equally fantastic on the walls of my house in Yorkshire. Once my house has walls, which we are almost certain we will have, after we sort out the floors and the ceilings.
I’ll let you know how it goes. So far my other half is unconvinced by my choice of wallpaper which is gold with swans on. Seriously who ever went wrong with gold and swans?!
Me probably, but never mind, at least it won’t be boring.
Don’t forget to check back later for pictures of the finished rooms. In about a year.