What Would Topsy and Tim’s Parents Do?

Dear Mr and Mrs Topsy and Tim,

We love your show, well the children do.  There’s a little quiz at the end to see if we’ve been paying attention – I haven’t, I’ve been on my smart phone the whole time, soz.

I have one slight issue with your show:  I know that parents of twins are pretty amazing but do you really have to make the rest of us look quite so bad?

If you haven’t pretended to watch Topsy and Tim whilst playing Candy Crush then you’re missing out. Each episode sees Mum and Dad explain one of life’s challenges to their delightfully well behaved twins. The type of questions most normal parents reply with:

A) ‘No, probably, dunno, whatever, yeah.’

B) ‘Ask your dad.’

In one recent episode *spoiler alert* Grandma’s dog dies.  Sad times.

Thing is we had a pet that died and I suppose the show just brought it all back and made me feel sad. Not because I found a cold, hard rabbit cuddling a carrot in a cage but because Topsy and Tim’s parents handled their, admittedly fake, death with such grace and composure. I spent all night blubbering and exchanging angry texts with my partner who was working away at the time.

He is an idiot. Last time he went abroad with work he returned with a bottle of perfume for me.  It was the perfume my mum wears. A gift that either says: I picked this up without thinking in Duty Free or I want you to smell like your mum.

Topsy’s Dad would never be so thoughtless, for starters he is ALWAYS around which to be honest I would find a bit annoying. Also he’s gone along with the whole ‘let’s call our daughter Topsy’ thing.

Mr Topsy and Tim never pretends he really needs a piss whenever a child asks a difficult question he simply answers calmly and with a well researched explanation.

Whenever I explain difficult topics it starts a chain reaction of  more and more bizarre questions  on the subject culminating with me Googling the decomposure rates of a rabbit corpse.

The most impressive display of parenting was a scene in the car where there was NO SHOUTING. Daddy didn’t take everyone on a stupid, bloody diversion because he absolutely CANNOT be stuck in queuing traffic. Mummy wasn’t grabbing blindly at the floor behind her trying to pick up a prize toy that had been dropped and the children weren’t demanding to watch Topsy and Tim on the tablet because they are Topsy and Tim.

Instead they simply all chatted happily about pet death as a family.

Anyway from now on I shall put the smart phone down and pay more attention, carry on with the good work.

Much love, Eeh Bah Mum

P.S. Please send me the name of the pills Grandma Jean is on.

12 thoughts on “What Would Topsy and Tim’s Parents Do?

  1. I’m a parent of twins, I know lots of twin parents. Topsy and Tim are mythical beings, their parents are obviously on drugs that ive never had the fortune to be prescribed. IHATE them with a passion. I think I’d probability like my kids less of they were topsy and bloody Tim.
    I too require boxes of wine, !!

  2. How did ‘we’re terrible parents’ get the response ‘you’re not a terrible mum’?
    Mine works from home. As do I. We’re both here. All. The. Time. It’s massively annoying.

  3. Our daughter spent the whole of the first series wanting to move house, just like Topsy and Tim. (The chain must have had the world’s slowest conveyancing solicitors since it took them FOREVER to actually move.) Now my daughter has decided she needs glasses, just like Tim, even though she can see perfectly well. I reckon their mum is downing gin secretly in the kitchen. How does she remain so calm, even when Topsy and Tim drop all their birthday cakes on the floor five minutes before the party?

  4. Topsy and Tim irritates fuck out of me and I say this as a mum of twins. They went camping with supposedly 4 year olds, why would you ever. And the politeness is scary. “Mummy, please may I be excused from the table?” If one of ours said that we’d actually fall out of our seats with shock. Actually one of them normally excuses herself by falling out of her seat, it’s frequently like looking after a small drunk.

  5. Left my four year old watching this while I got on with some stuff in the kitchen, came back to find her in floods of tears – Thanks a lot Topsy and Tim !

  6. Listen people, don’t feel bad, We have missed an obvious flaw in their perfect bastard parenting. The kids are NOT twins, they are not even related. Some where along the line they fucked up and brought the wrong child home from hospital.

    They are majorly screwing up two children’s lives, won’t be so smug when the DNA tests return.

    Relax and be smug people. Their time will come.

  7. Topsy’s mum is only happy because she was getting it on with Max in Eastenders. I don’t know if Mr Topsy and Tim knows this. Perhaps we should tell him and see how he handles that?

  8. I bloody loathe Topsy and Tim…loathe!!!!! Saccharin….middle class…simpering…and how bloody long was Topsy in hospital for appendicitis? No wonder the NHS is knackered!!!
    And breaaathe…..send me wine and some of Grandma Jean’s pills

  9. Oh Kirsty this is hilarious! I have never ever watched Topsy and Tim (have been traumatised by their perfect little tales from childhood). I don’t think I will start anytime soon. GREAT post. x x

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