I bloody love a quiz. This one’s abut poo.
Answer these questions to determine if it’s time to start potty training:
1. Are you happy to have a toddler shit all over your home for the next 2 weeks?
2. Have you bought so many nappies you could buy a house with the Boots Advantage points you’ve amassed?
3. Is it time to get a new sofa and carpets?
4. Are you prepared to mop up a river of warm piss from the Post Office floor with your brand new Whistles jumper?
And most importantly:
5. Is your washing machine in good working order?
If you can answer ‘Yes’ to these questions then maybe the time is right. If the answer is ‘No’ – which let’s face it is the right answer – then follow this handy guide instead.
How old is your child?
0 – 2 years – No.
2 years – Still No.
2.5 – 5 years – Maybe.
5+ years – Too late.
Here’s some stuff all the proper guides say about potty training. None of which will change the fact your house is about to be transformed into one giant toilet.
I found a wall chart incredibly motivating.
Every time I got 3 stars I rewarded myself. Sometimes I gave myself stickers just for being me.
I ate a lot of Haribo.
Obvs. the stickers and treats are meant to be for the kidlets. Some people call it bribery, because that’s what it is.
Essentially you are paying another human being sweets not to shit on your sofa.
I’m OK with that.
I have a similar arrangement with some of my adult friends.
Wait until the summer
Everything is easier in the summer.
Life just seems better when it’s warm and you have a Pimms in one hand.
Buy some nice pants
Not for you! For Gods sake do not by yourself nice pants.
Nice pants are the reason you’re in this mess.
Factor in 18 years of childcare and sexy knickers are the single most expensive item in my wardrobe (and I own a jumper from Whistles).
Buy some kecks with your childs favourite TV character on.
It won’t help with potty training but after watching Dora The Explorer twat about with that stupid bloody singing map for 6 months you’ll at least get to enjoy seeing a toddler shit on the back of her head.
No one wears nappies as a teenager!
Why do people say this? If my children are wearing nappies as a teenager at least I won’t need to be worrying about drugs and underage sex.
Learn from other people
There’s nothing better than hearing how baby Ethel has been in big girl pants since she was 18 months old while watching your 3 year old dangle off a climbing frame with a wee soaked nappy the size of Kim Kardashian’s arse.
Comments underlining how much better other people’s children are than yours can be incredibly helpful.
As my daughter said when watching Masterchef ‘Why don’t they just let the chef who finishes first be the winner?’
‘Because that’s not how the world works Sweetie, now nip off and stick your big stinky bum in Ethel’s face.’
Wait until your child is ready
It’s important to look out for signs that your child is ready, I knew it was time when my daughter said:
‘Mummy I don’t want to wear nappies anymore I want to use the toilet like a big girl.’
Now THAT my friends is elimination communication.
This is my old post about what ACTUALLY happened when I tried toilet training. How to fail at potty training. Repeatedly.
* in case any Dora pedants are reading I am aware this is Swiper’s catchphrase.