One of the good things about the first few Mothering Sundays is that it’s basically your partner doing all the work. In later years the kids start having their own input that’s when the flowers and chocolates come in.
As a basic rule any mother of very young children will be dealing with a lot of shit. Take away the shit and she’ll be happy.
Tell you what I want, what I really really want (a Victoria Beckham handbag)…..This Sunday I would like:
1. To be bored in bed. Literally. I want to stay in bed for so long I’m actually bored. I’m thinking of a lying in until at least oooh 9 0’clock.
2. To drink a hot cup of tea. Procedures for tea drinking in my house: Make hot tea. Place hot tea safely out of reach of everyone. Forget about hot tea. Repeat until all free shelves are filled with cold tea. Does this sound familiar?
3. To not change any nappies.
4. To not listen to other people tell me how they have had to change nappies. As Nike would say, Just Do It.
5. No breakfast in bed. You know the part in the adverts where mum comes downstairs and laughs at the mess dad and the kids have made. That part is fiction. The mess is real. Let me make the pancakes.
6. To spend a whole hour, at home, not being hassled – and here’s the kicker – with the children in the house. Not sure this has ever been done. Would be fun to set the kitchen timer and try. We’ve all had a bit of time to ourselves, but with the kids around? I’d love to hear stories of this happening.
7. To shut the toilet door. A whole day of going to the toilet without an audience would be delightful. I’m so used to carrying on a conversation whilst on the loo I rarely shut the door even in public.
8. To not see any of the following: Mr Tumble, Postman Pat, ZingBloodyZillas, Peppa Pig or Dora the f#cking Explorer.
9. To not receive any handmade gifts. Unless we are talking hand made by Nicholas Kirkwood.
10. To wear something crazily impractical. I’m not talking Carrie Bradshaw in an Oscar De La Renta gown I mean totally bonkers: Like a bra that doesn’t have boob flaps in it. Or a dress (totally impractical for breastfeeding.) Or maybe a white shirt.
Just looking back over the list and realise that Mr Eeh Bah has arranged to go out on a bike ride at 8.30am so chances of a getting all 10 of my wishes granted are looking slim.