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Should I take a toddler to a festival?

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No.

Under no circumstances should anyone ever take a toddler to a festival. Look what happened to Chris Martin - 10 years he had to put up with all that macrobiotic shit.

Any more questions?

OK then.  As you were.

But hang on I’m still thinking of taking a toddler to a festival….

OK let me be clear the reason I say you should never take a toddler to a festival is because I have taken a toddler (and a baby) to a festival.

It was hard work and we had  AAA passes and an off-site bed and breakfast.

Toddlers have little appreciation for live music and all those people doing crazy stuff that you think kids would love? It will actually just scare the shit out of them.

While you may enjoy Misters Tumble, Maker and Bloom looking after your children via the tellybox you don’t want festival versions of them anywhere near your kids.

Festival Mr Tumble = Massive bell end.

His spotty bag is full of warm cans of pear cider (hence the red nose) and those signs are not Makaton or BSL he is just too wasted to talk.

Festival Mister Maker = Dance tent casualty.

Can be found enthusiastically throwing shapes in the middle of the day. He is a Space-Ca-Det. Avoid at all costs.

Festival Mr Bloom = Hardened festival goer.

Lost all his human friends when their tent floated away in the mud at Glastonbury 2005, now hangs out with a talking cabbage. Do not borrow skins off this man you will never get rid of him.

There are plenty of child friendly festivals but if you really want to go to a proper music festival with a toddler in tow  try this simple test at home.

Stand in the garden with a toddler on your shoulders  listening to them cry all the way through your favourite album. Close your eyes and imagine seeing the band live on stage, ignore the trickle of piss warming your neck because your child refuses to  use the toilet just think about how great  it will be to finally see your idols live.

Did you enjoy that experience?

Then go have a fantastic festival.

Oh hang on don’t put the toddler down yet….. you’ve got another 7 hours to go.

 

9 thoughts on “Should I take a toddler to a festival?

  1. Go to Camp Bestival – I’ve done it with a toddler and it was fab! Mr Tumble was the headline act on Saturday afternoon – He was fab …well he would be after several glasses of heart burn inducing white wine from a box!

    • We went for the first time to CB last year (mine are not toddlers, but at primary) and it was utterly, utterly brilliant. So excited for this year – I’ve been doing that thing where you pay for the tickets each week.

  2. Brilliant:) have never felt remotely tempted since becoming a mum for reasons you describe. Always love the idea of it but Paschendale type locations with non-stop diahrroea from hand-pressed fruit smoothies no longer hold the same appeal they used to. Enjoy your trip. though. :)

  3. Couldn;t agree more – took our DD2 to Beautiful days last year with her older siblings. This year we are going with the older siblings only – she was a 3 year old nightmare. So much easier when she was 3 months old and we took her…

    However took DD1 and DS to same festival at the same age and had a lovely time – maybe, it was just kid overload. Maybe, 1 child with 2 parents would be just fine…

  4. Festivals are hard enough as an adult with friends, much less with kids dragged along. I can’t think of anything I’d probably enjoy less, and you’d be paying through the nose for it too! Great post, really made me smile. Thanks for linking up #MumsdayMonday

  5. Haha, this really made me laugh. I can’t think of anything worse than taking a toddler to a festival. I find taking them to child-friendly events stressful enough! I have heard great things about Camp Bestival though x

  6. Taking toddlers (children of any age really) to a festival is my idea of hell. All that mud is bad enough but wiping down muddy children with baby wipes is not my cup of tea at all! Really funny post :-) #MumsdayMonday

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