Under no circumstances should anyone ever take a toddler to a festival. Look what happened to Chris Martin – 10 years he had to put up with all that macrobiotic shit.
Any more questions?
OK then. As you were.
But hang on I’m still thinking of taking a toddler to a festival….
OK let me be clear the reason I say you should never take a toddler to a festival is because I have taken a toddler (and a baby) to a festival.
It was hard work and we had AAA passes and an off-site bed and breakfast.
Toddlers have little appreciation for live music and all those people doing crazy stuff that you think kids would love? It will actually just scare the shit out of them.
While you may enjoy Misters Tumble, Maker and Bloom looking after your children via the tellybox you don’t want festival versions of them anywhere near your kids.
Festival Mr Tumble = Massive bell end.
His spotty bag is full of warm cans of pear cider (hence the red nose) and those signs are not Makaton or BSL he is just too wasted to talk.
Festival Mister Maker = Dance tent casualty.
Can be found enthusiastically throwing shapes in the middle of the day. He is a Space-Ca-Det. Avoid at all costs.
Festival Mr Bloom = Hardened festival goer.
Lost all his human friends when their tent floated away in the mud at Glastonbury 2005, now hangs out with a talking cabbage. Do not borrow skins off this man you will never get rid of him.
There are plenty of child friendly festivals but if you really want to go to a proper music festival with a toddler in tow try this simple test at home.
Stand in the garden with a toddler on your shoulders listening to them cry all the way through your favourite album. Close your eyes and imagine seeing the band live on stage, ignore the trickle of piss warming your neck because your child refuses to use the toilet just think about how great it will be to finally see your idols live.
Did you enjoy that experience?
Then go have a fantastic festival.
Oh hang on don’t put the toddler down yet….. you’ve got another 7 hours to go.