The Toddler Tantrum Awards

Welcome to the 2nd annual Eeh Bah Mum Parenting Awards.

This year I will be rewarding the special moments of parenting magic that occur when you have an angry 2 year old boy and a mother who clearly is not paying enough attention.

Please don’t judge me too harshly I try my best (I don’t) but occasionally my parenting skills come up short –  like that time I told him the banana in the sky was the moon and he cried in the car from Cambridge all the way to Chislehurst.

The ‘Why does Imaginative Play always end in tears?’ award

The nominations are:

1. The time I coloured a monkey in green.

2.  The time I sat on an imaginary dragon.

3. The time I pretend ate a wooden lolly incorrectly.

Children absorb experiences and make sense of the world by engaging in Imaginative play. Which sounds like it might be fun.

It is not.

Small children are out of their tiny little minds. However cray-cray you think shit has got in your life it all pales into nothing next to a two year olds imagination.

Every time you pretend play you are stepping into a world where normal rules don’t apply. That’s not to say there are no rules. There are very strict rules but no one apart from a 2 year old knows what the rules are and you only find out what they are when you break them. At that point it’s too late as it’s already kicking off big style.

The winner: Colouring a monkey in green.

A green monkey? What are you some kind of idiot? In my defence the giraffe was purple and yellow, the tiger was green and my son HANDED ME A GREEN CRAYON and said colour that in – pointing at the monkey.

Yes I am some kind of idiot.


The award for best food related tantrum

The nominations are:

1. Broken bananas, all of them.

2. When his sandwich was cut into triangles instead of squares.

3. When his sandwich was cut into squares instead of triangles.

4. When his ham sandwich had ham in it.

5. When his ham sandwich had bread in it.

6. When his toast was toasted.

Highly contested category this one particularly strong competition from bread related foods. Serving food to toddlers is like working in a restaurant where all the customers are total c*nts.

And there is no wine list.

The winner is: Broken bananas

I hate bananas now, bendy yellow fuckers.  Congratulations on your award.


The fastest change of mind award

The nominations are:

1. The meatball incident

2. The bagel of doom

3. Monster fancy dress

Often my son changes his mind about things but fails to inform the rest of the world of these changes. Like the time he asked for a meatball with his spaghetti but in the 2 second gap between shouting ‘I want a meatball’ and the meatball landing on his plate he clearly changed his mind. I know this because he threw the meatball back into my face.

Maybe if I spent more time getting to know my son instead of tweeting about him acting like a knob a special bond would have formed whereby I would be able to read his mind and instinctively know that meatballs are off.

But then I wouldn’t have nearly 2k followers on Twitter and you have you ask yourself which is really more important?

The winner is: Monster fancy dress

This was such a lightening quick change of heart that he hadn’t even got the  costume on before he changed his mind, leaving him wriggling, angrily on the floor shouting ‘I don’t want to be a monster’.

Way more fun than taking a hot meaty ball to the face.

Thanks to everyone who turned up and made this one of the most glamorous events of the year and don’t forget to collect your goody bags stuffed with my childrens shitty artwork on the way out.







3 thoughts on “The Toddler Tantrum Awards

  1. I hate bananas too. Mainly because my 2-year-old is usually desperate for one right up until the moment I have peeled it. Which means I have to eat. After I’ve eaten it she wants it again and the banana cycle continues.

  2. Brilliant. Kids are just bonkers aren’t they.

    “Mummy can I have toast”

    *makes toast*

    “No I don’t want it warm like that!!”


    Is what I don’t say. I just bin the toast and make the butty. Like a good little Mummy. 🙂

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