If toddlers ran restaurants…

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Waiter:

Welcome to Don’t Want That! Have you refused to eat our food before?

 

Diner:

No this is our first visit.

 

Waiter:

OK here are your plastic ponchos, the showers are through the door on the left. Today we have a choice of blue, pink or yellow plates. Special of the day is a green plate but that man over there has it at the moment so you’ll have to wait.

PAUSE

Only joking! Just roll around on the floor crying until one of the waiting staff gives in.

 

Diner:

Could we choose one colour and then burst into tears because it’s wrong when it arrives?

 

Waiter:

Certainly madam. Shall I bring a dustpan and brush to start with?

 

Diner:

Yes please and some baby wipes for the table.

 

Waiter:

Eco Wipes or Fragrance Free?

 

Diner:

Supermarket brand is fine.

 

Waiter:

How would you like your pasta and pesto served? Today the chef recommends hiding some in your pants so you can pick it out and eat it when it’s gone hard later.

 

Diner:

Could you just throw it straight on the floor?

 

Waiter:

Very popular choice. What about a side order to rub into your hair as well?

 

Diner:

That sounds good and some to shove up your nostril while we piss ourselves laughing.

 

Waiter:

Lovely. Is that everything?

 

Diner:

I shouldn’t think so.

 

Waiter:

If you need anything else just throw yourselves on the floor and start screaming as though you’ve broken a limb. I’ll be in the toilet crying whilst ramming an entire packet of jaffa cakes in my mouth.

CUT TO:

 

THE DINERS ARE COVERED IN PASTA AND PESTO, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE TABLE IS A MOUNTAIN OF DISCARDED BABY WIPES. THEY THROW THEIR EMPTY PLATES HITTING THE WAITER ON THE BACK OF THE HEAD.

 

Waiter:

Is there a problem?

 

Diner:

Yes I’m afraid so, it’s that gentleman over there. He’s spent the entire meal eating politely, he even used his cutlery and not to pick his nose. There’s no debris on the floor and I haven’t heard him cry once.

 

Waiter:

Oh I’m very sorry madam we do have a strict policy on that kind of behaviour.

 

WAITER THROWS THE POLITE DINER OVER HIS SHOULDER AND OUT OF THE DOOR.

 

Waiter:

Honestly, people shouldn’t come to restaurants if they can’t behave properly. I hope it hasn’t ruined your meal?

 

Diner:

Oh no we we’re already upset because the food was too hot despite being actually cold. And even though it’s the only thing I’ve eaten for the past 7 weeks I don’t actually like pasta today. And it was a bit too green. And we’re still hungry.

 

Waiter:

Wonderful! I’ll pass your compliments onto the chef.

Here’s a video of my son making his own breakfast. Porridge was probably a bit too advanced for a 2 year old. Follow me on Instagram for more wondrousness. (yes that is a word I checked)

6 thoughts on “If toddlers ran restaurants…

  1. I almost had an out of body experience this afternoon when both little beans sat and ate their tea in silence. Think they may have been abducted by aliens. Usually the above is re enacted word perfect at my kitchen table on a daily basis.

  2. RFLOL. Flippin hilarious. But I am miles out the other end so I can laugh. Not smugly. Sometimes my mum would feed my twin brothers in the nude then put them straight in the bath.

  3. Oh you make me feel so much better! This is definitely an every day occurrence in our house and really gets me down sometimes but your site has totally tickled me!
    Many, many thanks!

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