First day at school for the boy he enjoyed it more than the photo shoot. #backtoschool

Things you will do as a Parent in Key Stage One

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But Mummy why do I have to go to school?

Well sweetie every time Mummy spends more than 3 minutes attempting to teach you anything we both need several weeks of therapy.

Also in order to get you to do anything even remotely educational I have to bribe you with Haribo and biscuits, so I could home school you but you would have no teeth by the time you reached Key Stage Two. Probably. I have no idea what KS2 actually is.

Both my children are in the early years of their educational journey and here are my observations so far. As a parent of a child in Key Stage One you will….

Despair of your child’s reading ability

Reading with your child is a magical experience. Magical like Houdini’s Water Torture Cell Illusion where a man shackles himself in chains upside down in a tank of water thrashing around like a dying fish before escaping at the very last second in front of an audience watching in abject horror.

Expect something like this:

Mummy: Come on let’s read your book! Ooh look at the lovely doggy on the cover. You spell out the words.

4yo: D. O. G.

*stares at picture of dog for an age*

4yo: D.O.G.

Mummy: Try to say it all together.

4yo: Der-og, Der–og

Mummy: Yes, yes that’s it! Nearly there! Go on!

4yo: Der-og. Penguin!

Mummy: Nearly…

4yo: Kettle!

Mummy: Not quite. Der-og? Der-og? Look at the picture? Woof!  Woof!

4yo: Picture? Banana? Rice Cake?

Mummy: Let’s try again, Der-og der-og, Dog? Dog? Dog?

*Repeatedly bark ‘dog’ into child’s face until words lose all meaning and life seems futile.*

4yo: Is it dog?

Mummy: Jesus Christ! At fucking last!  Of course it is you idiot. Why else would there be a massive picture of a bloody dog? Why don’t you save the rest of the book for later when Daddy is home and Mummy has stopped crying.

Ignore a call from the school

I mean it’s probably just them calling to say little Sophie has fallen over. Unless it really is serious, but then they’ll leave a message. Won’t they?

Nine times out of ten they’re simply ringing to tell you that your child will be returned to you with a grazed face or a shin covered in plasters, but there’s always the possibility that it might be… gulp…. Vomiting.

Vomiting is bad news because not only do you have to go and pick them up but you also have to keep them at home for 72 whole hours. No lying about them chucking up just once on Friday night and then being fine the rest of the weekend. Yeah you know who you are.

Don’t worry they only ever send you home with your own children.

Lose your shit over lost uniform

Most primary schools in the UK have been built on some kind of vortex, a door to alternate universe WHERE EVERYONE IS WEARING BRAND NEW SCHOOL JUMPERS.

This wormhole rejects the dog eared trousers you bought for 50p from the second hand sale consuming  pristine shop bought items of uniform or perhaps just the one shoe. No matter how much you try to disguise any new items of clothing by throwing breakfast all over them the brand new uniform still disappears.

At some point in the school year you will find yourself shouting into an abyss before emailing every other parent in the school with a rant about a lost PE bag. The plotline of the next series of The Missing will probably feature David Morrissey desperately attempting to track down a brand new pair of M&S tights from Lost Property.

Spell things out in a weird, unhelpful way

Using a physical performance combining some form of contemporary dance mixed with phonics and waggly hand gestures. For example my name is Kirsty which goes something like this:

Capital Ker. Kicking Ker not curly Ker.

Action: Extends hand and leg in the air before realising it looks a bit like you are goose stepping and/or doing a Nazi salute.

I or is it Ee?  Or Aye?  The one with the line and the dot on top.

Action: Pretend to be a mouse even though it makes NO SENSE WHATSOEVER. When does a mouse ever indicate the letter I?

RRRR RRRRR  Do you know what a R looks like?   

Action: Accompany rolling r’s with acting like a puppy chewing a rag complete with camp lion paws, because why not?

SSSSSSSSSS Like a snake! 

Action: Waggle from side to side with a big smiley, encouraging face, this is going great!

T T T T T, a long line with a curly tail and a line through it.

Action: Draw a t in the air and wipe spit off other person’s chin.

Yer, Yer, Yer or do I mean Why? Why? Why?  Make sure the tail goes under the line.

Action: Just make some shit up, none of the other hand gestures helped why start now? Oh hang on I remember! Mime eating yogurt which is not be confused with miming eating soup.

Well done you! That looks super neat and all on the same line!

And people wonder why Dentists receptionsts are so mean to people.

Arrive early for school

And make an announcement about it VERY LOUDLY.. ‘Oooh look we’re first in, hey everybody we were here first. Wow Look at us here before everyone else.’

This is traditional for the first parent through the door, everyone gets a turn throughout the year, you also get to….

Arrive late for school

Sprinting through the playground in odd shoes, ramming a slice of dry bread into a 4 year old’s mouth hoping no one notices he’s wearing tights.

Everyone notices. But if they’re polite they will pretend they didn’t.

Roll on Half Term!

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