Namaste bitches, I read a Reddit thread about what men find boring about women, which made me think about all the boring things men do and naturally I decided to write them all down and publish them on the Internet. What’s the worst that could happen?
Here are the things I find boring about men:
Googling fucking everything.
Snore off. We’re having a pleasant conversation with friends we don’t need to see the IMDB profile of ‘that guy that was in that thing we watched last week that was sort of OK’ or to have someone read the complete history of that weird building with the funny statues we just walked past from Wikipedia. Put your bloody smart phone away, and while you’re at it stop arguing with Google Maps if you’re going to spend the whole journey ignoring the suggested route why bother asking for its help in the first place?
Using our toiletries.
We ladies have put hours of research into selecting that specific face cream so stop slathering it all over your nutsack every time you have a shower. Go buy your own. It’ll be in naff black packaging with neon writing all over and it will smell like shit.
Pretending men are more into sex than women.
The old ‘men think about sex every 7 seconds’ bullshit. If that really was the case men would have no time left for anonymous online chats about how boring women are or watching whatever the fuck Top Gear is called these days: Three Dicks in a Massive Tent Making Mildly Offensive Jokes while a Sea of Idiots in Badly Fitting Jeans Whoop and Holler. Something like that.
After a fairly average amount of in depth research (ahem) I’ve realised that some men have a high sex drive, some women have a high sex drive and some people have small children.
Saying ‘Haven’t you already got a top like that?’
Yes I fucking have. I worked out what sort of stuff suits me and I’ve stuck with it. You know, a bit like those 17 t-shirts in your drawer that are all exactly the same.
What is it with men and shopping? Seriously guys, shops have been around for ages now and you’re still shit at it. It’s really not that difficult, if you go shopping for jeans it’s completely acceptable to come home with shoes instead or a nice bag, no one will tell you off for deviating from your pre ordained shopping plan. Also if you’re buying stuff for dinner why not pick up stuff for breakfast too? Just a thought.
Making out drunk women are a ‘nightmare’.
Here’s the thing: Sometimes women like to get together, drink too much, sing songs from ‘Wicked’ and throw up in our mates handbags. Yes you read that right – we like doing it. And guess what it’s actually a great way to let off steam, you should try it sometime. Get your own handbag first.
Expecting an award for using the remote control.
Well done sweetie you pressed a button! Nothing impresses a woman more than watching a man fast forward through the adverts and hit the opening frame of Gogglebox with perfect timing. Nothing. That’s why we women buy all those cushions: to cover up the wet patches we made on the sofa.
Making shit jokes about candles.
If I had a pound for every male stand up I’ve seen perform a hilarious routine about his girlfriend buying too many candles I’d have enough money to buy one fucking massive Yankee Candle. Women buy candles ‘cos the house stinks and we can’t be arsed to clean it. We like having candlelit dinners
so you can’t see us texting our mates under the table er, I mean because it’s romantic. Also when you’ve spent 3 hours walking round Ikea and NOT beaten your partner to death with a Skanka frying pan you deserve a bag of 50 tea lights.
Moaning about our ‘crappy’ telly.
Sod off and listen to your Podcast Marcus Du Sautoy.
I’m fairly certain I’ve missed a few so do feel free to let me know what they are.