14 reasons I’m not following you on Twitter

You can’t spell.
You are a brand not a person. Yes I like your tasty yogurt. No I don’t want to have a fucking conversation with it about Star Wars.
I don’t know who you are and your biog doesn’t tell me that either. I’m really not interested in the fact you drink too much wine or own a dog.
I read your biog and decided you looked a bit annoying.
I read your biog and decided you looked too exciting. I don’t want a Twitter feed full of people making my life look rubbish. *
For a while there I was really into something that you were really into and now I’m not that into that thing anymore and I can’t for the life of me remember why I’m following you but it was nice while it lasted. Laters.

Has anyone told Jane Austen about Twitter and the £10 note?

Dearest Jane,

Allow me to introduce myself. Like you I am 41 years old and I also fantasize about James McAvoy wearing britches. Unlike you I am not dead, I own my own property and despite being unmarried, I have 2 children. ( I know get the smelling salts out.)

I couldn’t find you on Facebook or Instagram where I looked for you posing for selfies in a fetching bonnet. Maybe that’s because you have been dead for over 150 years – I’ll check Myspace.

I am writing to apprise you of the political furore you have unwittingly stirred up. Whip out your fan, my dear and get ready to hide your blushes.

You are going to be on the £10 pound note.

Totes amaze! That is some hot bonnet there lady!