Parenting Job Description

Required Knowledge, Skills, and Abilities

• Above average skills in: Cataloguing and maintenance of a variety of special sticks, leaves and pine cones.

All candidates should be able to identify and look after important sticks and any special stones selected from car parks. Colleagues will need to be kept updated of the movements of any special items (Yes darling your pine cones are still in my handbag.)

Any disposal of important sticks, leaves or pebbles will be considered gross misconduct.

• Demonstrated ability to: Still see people even when they are covering their own eyes.

Candidates will be expected to play a version of the popular game Hide & Seek which involves neither hiding nor seeking but simply counting to 10 then pretending not to see someone standing directly in front of you.

Why is everyone Scottish on CBeebies?

Nina and the Neurons, Granny Murray, Woolly &Tig, Nurse Morag:

Yes, CBeebies is teaching children that the world is full of friendly Scottish people with entirely comprehensible accents.

Cartoons have come under fire for portraying male role models negatively. But what about female role models? I decided to take a closer look at CBeebies.

Other channels are available.

But not in our house.

Every time adverts appear my daughter starts crying ‘Where has my telly gone Mummy?’

Whilst I can sing all the songs and repeat entire shows worth of dialogue I am totally clueless about what is actually happening on screen because telly time is when I get stuff done. (Dinner tonight brought to you care of Tesco’s and Get Squiggling.)

In fact the only time I have ever watched what’s on the screen I saw the Tweenies playing with Jimmy Savile.

So no cause for concern there then.

Babywearing for beginners.

If you’re a fashionista in a panic you’ve missed a key trend for next season don’t worry!

Babywearing is a way to transport an actual baby. Like pushing a pram except instead of wheels you use your legs. Totes amaze!

Wearing your baby means no swearing as you try to ram your pushchair through shop doors but also nowhere to hide the 6 bottles of wine you have bought.

When I wrote What Does Your Pram Say About You? I deliberately left out slings because everyone knows that wearing your baby in a sling says one thing:

I am a tie dye wearing hippy with hairy armpits.

Now I know this is not the truth I have happily worn both my children and let me tell you my armpits are perfectly hair free.

But it seems that wearing your baby does project a certain image. Whilst wearing my son in New York I was asked if I was into, like, attachment parenting?

I replied yes we were quite attached to our children, more so the eldest as the younger one could be a bit of a pain at times.

Wearing your baby is like walking around in a lovely big cuddle, a cuddle that sometimes ends up with one of you being sick whilst strapped to the others chest.

As you can see there are positives and negatives to the whole babywearing thing: This is what I have learned about slings, wraps ‘n ting.