A guide to eating out with small children (with help from readers of The Daily Mail.)

When you take small children out to eat you have exactly however long it takes to order and eat one course minus 7 minutes before it all goes horribly wrong.

It makes no difference how quickly the food arrives the last 7 minutes of your meal will be spent shovelling  hot food into your mouth whilst one of you jiggles the baby or takes a toddler for a walk around the block.

One course? But what about starters and puddings?

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Oh sorry was that a genuine question?

Why is everyone Scottish on CBeebies?

Nina and the Neurons, Granny Murray, Woolly &Tig, Nurse Morag:

Yes, CBeebies is teaching children that the world is full of friendly Scottish people with entirely comprehensible accents.

Cartoons have come under fire for portraying male role models negatively. But what about female role models? I decided to take a closer look at CBeebies.

Other channels are available.

But not in our house.

Every time adverts appear my daughter starts crying ‘Where has my telly gone Mummy?’

Whilst I can sing all the songs and repeat entire shows worth of dialogue I am totally clueless about what is actually happening on screen because telly time is when I get stuff done. (Dinner tonight brought to you care of Tesco’s and Get Squiggling.)

In fact the only time I have ever watched what’s on the screen I saw the Tweenies playing with Jimmy Savile.

So no cause for concern there then.

Babywearing for beginners.

If you’re a fashionista in a panic you’ve missed a key trend for next season don’t worry!

Babywearing is a way to transport an actual baby. Like pushing a pram except instead of wheels you use your legs. Totes amaze!

Wearing your baby means no swearing as you try to ram your pushchair through shop doors but also nowhere to hide the 6 bottles of wine you have bought.

When I wrote What Does Your Pram Say About You? I deliberately left out slings because everyone knows that wearing your baby in a sling says one thing:

I am a tie dye wearing hippy with hairy armpits.

Now I know this is not the truth I have happily worn both my children and let me tell you my armpits are perfectly hair free.

But it seems that wearing your baby does project a certain image. Whilst wearing my son in New York I was asked if I was into, like, attachment parenting?

I replied yes we were quite attached to our children, more so the eldest as the younger one could be a bit of a pain at times.

Wearing your baby is like walking around in a lovely big cuddle, a cuddle that sometimes ends up with one of you being sick whilst strapped to the others chest.

As you can see there are positives and negatives to the whole babywearing thing: This is what I have learned about slings, wraps ‘n ting.

A letter to my beautiful daughter (or as Jo Swinson would prefer Dear Fugly)

You are without doubt the most frustratingly brilliant person I have ever met. Your beautiful brother is totally amazing too but we’ve seen it all before and are therefore less impressed. (Am I allowed to call my son beautiful as he’s a boy?) I wanted to write you a letter to capture where you are […]