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The ultimate summer holiday guide.

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Welcome to the only summer holiday guide you will ever need.

Includes handy suggestions for day trips, picnic ideas and crafts to keep the whole family entertained.*

*Suggestions may not be handy or keep the whole family entertained. Does not include picnic ideas. Some people may require further guides. Likely to cause dizziness and fainting.

Week One

Monday

Day trip out to horrendously busy museum. What the heck it’s a free day out! Apart from a hideously expensive 5 minutes in the gift shop buying erasers to rub out writing that they have not done.

Tuesday

Even more expensive trip out to even busier animal based attraction. Highlight of the day watching 2 pigeons fight over a sausage roll which you could have seen for free outside Greggs in town.

Wednesday

Trip to cinema/ bowling/ some other child friendly attraction that ends up costing roughly the same as a Stella McCartney dress. Think of the memories! Everyone crying in the queue, fighting over where to eat lunch, the sulking when you refuse to buy a 3 year old a can of red bull.

Thursday

Trip to bank to remortgage the house.

Friday

Pimms in the garden at 3pm to celebrate a successful first week. (Basic system for judging holiday success being: Have you spent any time in A&E? No? You’re winning.)

Week Two

Monday

Baking. Abandon showstopper project early on and downgrade to buns. Realise you don’t even have the correct ingredients for these. Trip to shops to buy organic vanilla extract, baking powder that’s not 4 years out of date and ridiculous sparkly shit to disguise burnt bits. Oh and eggs. And flour. And butter. Haven’t really thought this out at all.

Tuesday

Baking and decorating cakes. Eating cakes.

Wednesday

Food poisoning.

Thursday

Food poisoning.

Friday

Liquid lunch (wine) to celebrate surviving 2 whole weeks and because you can’t face solids yet.

Week Three

Monday

Over ambitious crafting session. This time factor in last minute shopping trips to buy missing essentials because you’re awesome! Phone call to the Doctors to check how much glue a 2 year old can drink before a trip to the emergency room is required.

Tuesday

Less ambitious crafting: Drawing moustaches on all the models in Vogue.

Wednesday

Freestyle crafting: Family haircuts by a 2 year old with wacky edged scissors.

Thursday

Picking glitter out of carpet and rugs. Family fringe straightening session with blunt kitchen scissors. (Of course it will have grown out by the time you go back to pre-school sweetie – there are still 3 weeks left!)

Friday

Vodka Cornflakes for breakfast because there still 3 weeks left.

Week Four

Monday

Picnic in the park with torrential rain. Still manage to get sunburn.

Tuesday

Mini heat wave: Entire day spent indoors unable to tempt children off the sofa.

Wednesday

Park again, torrential rain and hailstones. No sunburn this time but manage to get bitten by something. Hopefully not a dog.

Thursday

Imaginative play – children play at princesses and dragons while mummy dreams of September.

Friday

Vodka shots watching 6am episode of Postman Pat. Spend rest of day pretending to be Mrs Goggins.

Week Five

Monday

CBeebies/ Frozen DVD. (Good news ladies! I have written to the BBC suggesting they ask Damian Lewis to read the bedtime story topless during the school holidays.)

Tuesday

CBeebies/ Frozen DVD. (Still no Damian wonder if they actually received my email?)

Wednesday

CBeebies/ Frozen DVD. (Phone about my request, discover I am now banned from all contact with the BBC. Result! Will never have to make a stupid massive birthday card for CBeebies.)

Thursday

CBeebies/ Frozen DVD. (Is it just me or is Olaf starting to look sexy?)

Friday

Do you wanna drink tequila? Drunkenly bury Frozen DVD in the garden under cover of darkness.

Week Six

Monday

Jesus Fucking Christ there’s still a whole week to go. Is this some kind of joke?

Tuesday

Dig up entire garden in attempt to find Frozen DVD. Inadvertently create mahoosive vegetable patch. Realise it is too late in the year to plant any vegetables.

Wednesday

Pitch tents in mudslide, whack Arctic Monkeys on full blast, dig out some stupid hats and recreate a festival atmosphere by encouraging children to piss in the bushes. Realise you have put children off all festivals forever and thus saved yourself a fortune in tickets. Celebrate in the beer tent (kitchen) with pear cider.

Thursday

No idea. This is waaay harder than it looks.  Are you sure we’re supposed to do this every year?

Friday

It’s the last day! Add the number of things you said you were going to do, but never got round to, to the amount of hours spent in A&E, multiply by the units of alcohol consumed to get your holiday score. Anything over 50 is a good score. Or do I mean under 50? Who cares. It’s over!

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If you want more useful ideas for stuff to do with kids then you need to Google someone else’s blog.

But if you like a bit of a laugh then why not follow Eeh Bah Mum? Simply pop your email in the box on the right - I usually post once a week so you won’t be inundated with stuff.

You can also click on the right to follow me on Twitter and  Facebook. Click on the left and say the magic word to have a dragon pop round and make you a cup of tea.

11 thoughts on “The ultimate summer holiday guide.

  1. Seriously, if Damien Lewis did that, it would make my summer. I would padlock the trampoline zip shut and toss in non-crumby snacks every 20 minutes – play, rewind, play. Fab post, although has made me dread summer even more.

  2. You’re my favourite mummy blogger by far. That reads back creepier than when I thought it. I’m not a stalker. Even though I clearly sound like one now.

  3. Is it bad that I don’t have a single plan for the summer hols yet, I have to survive half term first! You are a funny lady!

  4. The summer holidays are the one time I’m glad I work full-time. The kids’ timetable was finalised weeks ago, they will be off having a great time with a variety of family members while we are having sunny pints in pub beer gardens* after work.

    * seven days camping with three children notwithstanding.

  5. sorry this had me in stitches, not sure that was in expected outcome or not, but its brilliant. My only other tip would be utilise the paddling pool – it saves on baths and showers, and no it does not matter if next doors wee one has piddled in it, just adds to the fun.

  6. “Jesus Fucking Christ there’s still a whole week to go. Is this some kind of joke?”
    I got there at 2 weeks in …. first year without paying for childcare. Every day I wake up and wonder how I will get through to the end.

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