But no one does.
Because let’s face it we learnt the hard way so why shouldn’t everyone else?
Basically children are like cakes – it’s all in the timing. (Does this analogy work? I have never baked a cake.)
Anyway timing. Before you have children you are seduced by idyllic scenes of family happiness. The type of thing you see in adverts:
Lazing in bed of a weekend reading papers whilst a cute boy in pristine White Company pyjamas gently doffs your head with a goose feather pillow.
Videoing your daughters amazed reactions at the zoo as she sees a giraffe for the first time.
Kicking through piles of leaves in your wellies in the autumn sun.
NONE OF THIS IS EVER GOING TO HAPPEN.
Wake up and smell the coffee.
Oh you can’t you ran out of coffee three weeks ago and still haven’t remembered to buy any more even though you have both been to at least one supermarket every single day buying nappies and wipes and strawberry yoghurt in the pink pots because your daughter refuses to eat the strawberry yoghurt in the yellow pots even though it is exactly the same bloody yoghurt.
Why is there still no coffee?
The family scenes you daydream about are all years down the line. For the first few years children are interested in everything and at the same time nothing at all.
So sit back and chill save your energy for when they will appreciate it.
I cannot tell you how many new parents I have seen waving tiny babies in front of animals at zoos and farms. The babies couldn’t give two shits about the rare albino wallaby they are being forced to admire they are more interested in an empty coke can someone has kindly left on the floor.
No wait it’s not empty.
Don’t pick that up….Quick get the baby wipes.
Your beautiful moment is ruined instead you have a baby covered in sticky old coke and a strangers mouth spit.
Try videoing the look of horror on your face as you bat away a swarm of wasps.
So having young children is just like baking a cake. Probably. Who knows? I certainly don’t.
Basically all that wonderful stuff you imagined doing is never going to actually occur.
But other stuff will happen, which will be just as wonderful but not quite as photogenic.
So here is some useful stuff I have learned the hard way:
Never get in a pillow fight with a small child:
My daughter hides books and wooden bricks in hers.
Er that’s it. Sorry you’re on your own.
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