Every now and again I like to look through my spam folder and marvel at the wonderful comments Akismet has cruelly stopped the world from reading.  I was sad to discover that spammers have improved their language since my last spam roundup. But there have been even more worrying developments.

This is from Realestatefmx

hello, i’m so cuffed that i found your blog I will be bookmarking this! – real estate wichita is a passion of mine and and your “Contact: Writing & PR | Eeh Bah Mum” article is absolutely good work.

Americans are so friendly. I was chuffed to have such a lovely message.

Or do I mean cuffed?

Hang on has she been kidnapped and handcuffed and is trying to get a message out via the comments section of a parenting blog?

Why else would anyone leave a comment saying my contact page is absolutely good work?

Holy crap I could be a modern day Miss Marple solving international kidnappings from my kitchen. Excuse me for a mo while I pass this onto the Wichita police and ask them to investigate.


Hmm well that did not go well.

No wonder there are no American cop shows set in Wichita. The police there can be quite rude.

Not all spam is from kidnap victims trying to sell houses in Kansas. Some are short and to the point. After a Breaking Bad marathon I wrote  Should I Start Cooking Crystal Meth? and Guccisales answered my question.

Yes, I like it.

Which I think means I’ve got my first customer.

Two pages later the same message from Longchampbagcheap.

And fakeLouisvuittonhandbags.

And replicauggs, chanelonlinesale, cheapGucciwatches, and many more, all saying the same thing.

Yes, I like it.

If we can learn one thing from Spam it’s that people who sell fake designer goods on the internet really like crystal meth.  There is a definite business opportunity for someone here.

A less honest person would exploit this but not Miss Marple Internet Crime Solver. I only work for good.

I always imagined spammers to be technological geniuses with a terrible grasp of the English language but it seems that as their English improves their technical ability is hitting new lows.

Robertbon read Hot Tubs Vs Children and was so moved he wrote this

I’ve been surfing online more than three hours today, yet I never found any interesting article like yours.

Whoa there Robbie!

Three hours on the internet and me wittering on about my screensaver was the best thing you could find?

You are shit at Internetting.

My son is 22 months old and can find better stuff on the web just by throwing bricks at my laptop.

Wait til you see grumpy cat, Robertbon. You’ll wet yourself.

NorbertSmithson wrote a comment on my Spam, Spam, Spam post to recommend installing a spam filter, like the one I used to catch his spam comment.

Which is exactly the sort of hilarious spam joke I’d expect from Norbert Smithson, the man’s a legend. He’s probably doing some hilarious spam based Neknominate challenge at this very moment.

Let’s hope he doesn’t choke on the pink meat.

And finally  some spamspiration from symptomsofreflux:

You can certainly see your skills in the paintings you write. The world hopes for more passionate writers such as you who are not afraid to say how they believe. At all times go after your heart.

This is probably the most profound thing anyone has ever written in my comments. I should probably get this printed on a mug.

I think I will ask symptomsofreflux  to write me an acceptance speech just in case I win Most Entertaining Blog at the MAD Blog awards. Which by the way will not happen unless you  vote for me.
MAD Blog Awards

If you have already voted then don’t think you’re getting off lightly I’m also looking for nominations at the BiB’s


 Tatty Bye!


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