If you were to wander the moors above my house you would oft hear my voice gently trilling:
‘Where in the name of fucking fuck is the lid for this bastard cup!’
(Actually you wouldn’t hear this at all. I never swear in front of my children. They have no idea who their mother really is.)
The problem is this:
You have 13 different size drinking receptacles and 15 corresponding lids.
If each lid only fits one cup, apart from 2 that don’t fit any cup and may actually be part of a plastic pirate game, how many lids will you have to try before you give up in tears?
As mobile phone companies discuss producing a universal phone charger the evil Nuby, Avent and King Bastard Tommee Tippee resolutely refuse to even consider such a possibility.
If political parties are really interested in winning over young families introducing a one-lid-fits-all for sippy cups would be a great place to start instead of further confusing sleep deprived parents by constantly pissing about reinventing a system of childcare vouchers that is more confusing than Series 3 of House Of Cards.
While interchangeable lids are the stuff of science fiction there have been other advances in drinking cup technology.
Obvs when I say advances I mean hindrances.
Somewhere along the line an evil genius has decided that having 2 bits of non matching plastic was not annoying enough.
No, no, no what families with small children require is more fiddly bits of plastic shit to fill the fruit bowl with.
God forbid we should ever want to put bananas in there.
The most advanced sippy cups will often come with 3 or even 4 different bits of plastic to get stuck down the back of the dishwasher.
These are sold to us as advances in non drip/ easi flow technology designed to fit every different stage of a child’s development:
- Stage 1. Too young to drink out of a cup.
- Stage 2. Surely they should be able to drink out of a cup by now? Let’s give it a try what’s the worst that could happen?
- Stage 3. All my soft furnishings are now ruined. Why can my child still not drink from a cup yet for fucks sake?
Hactually the sippy cup cabal’s version of drinking development follows a basic age system which allows you to show off your child’s developmental prowess by having them drink from cups designed for someone much older.
‘Holy shit! That baby is a freaking genius!’
Say’s NO ONE EVER when they see a 9 month old baby deftly swigging water from a cup designed for a toddler.
In reality Tommee Tippee (if that is his real name) and his evil cup overlords should adopt a system based, not on the child’s ability, but the parents.
- Stage 1: Our basic assembly range has been designed for parents with clear heads who have had at least 2 decent night’s sleep in a row.
- Stage 2: Anyone who has completed our 1 week residential cup building course should have no trouble assembling this range. 24hr phone support available.
- Stage 3: The most advanced drinking receptacle known to man. These cups feature our most sophisticated designs and should only be assembled under laboratory conditions and will require backup from the emergency services. Please note these cups can still be emptied all over the back seat of a car in 30 seconds flat by any child over 1.
* Brand New Cup Range Launching in 2014*
The Professor Brian Cox Range:
Are you Professor Brian Cox?
Then don’t fucking bother.