How often do you say to yourself ‘I literally do not have time for this shit’?
Maybe it’s because I’m old, or a busy mum, or a bit arsey, whatever the reason the list of things I cannot be arsed with is growing rapidly. You’re probably on it yourself – sorry about that have a lovely day, feel free to add me to your list. I don’t mind.
Here are the things I shall be avoiding from today.
What a crock of shit. I do not want a man to say romantic things to me like they do in films because if a man actually said that stuff in real life it would be creepy.
Nobody puts Baby in the corner. What if Baby likes sitting quietly in the corner? I do not require rescuing by a man who wants to toss me around like an object in some weird show dance. Leave me alone.
You complete me. Since when is being described like a piece of jigsaw that got lost under the sofa romantic?
You make me want to be a better man. Why do I have to be involved with this? Can’t he just be a better man? What if I’m not around -will he be shit? This feels like something I’m going to get blamed for later.
To me, you are perfect. So are you saying other people don’t think I’m perfect? Also if you’re going to write stuff down at least email me a copy so I can upload it to Facebook and show my mates.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry. Er no it doesn’t, love means you letting me squeeze the spots on your back.
Ladies if you want someone to tell you how amazing you are ask your girlfriends. Even better ask your girlfriends when they’re drunk.
2. Independent coffee shops
Why does it take so looooong?
Part of me is all ‘Hmmm that looks like a cool coffee shop I should totally support more independent businesses’ the other part is more ‘Stop talking to me about fucking beans. Just give me my caffeine already. I don’t care about your cold drip process it’s 8.45am and I have 15 minutes until I’m expected to speak in coherent sentences.’
3. Arguing on Twitter
Let me be clear I fucking LOVE arguing with people in real life. I will happily have a heated discussion with someone who is in the room and I have no problem telling anyone that I think they’re talking out of their arse – but only if I can actually see their arse.
Arguing is one of life’s many joys, it’s one of the best things about having children. But arguing a point with someone I have never met over Twitter or in a Facebook comments thread. No thanks. I’ll stick to arguing with a 5 year old who thinks she should be allowed to have a go at driving now she’s at school. Find me not arguing @eehbahmum
4. Your Delivery
Yeah I know I work from home but that doesn’t mean I want to stay in for 8 hours solid waiting for some drawer handles you bought of ebay for 50p.
5. Stupid articles about how to wear clothes
Especially ones about how to dress when you’re a mum. Or in your 40’s. Or breastfeeding. Or skinny. Or fat. Or whatever the stupid magazines think we need to worry about.
Don’t get me wrong I LOVE fashion but I don’t think it should come with rules. I am a mum, lots of my friends are mums we all dress fabulously. Anyone who wants to tell me what I should or shouldn’t wear can piss right off.
6. Making THREE different teas
In Yorkshire we have our tea when everyone else is having dinner. We also eat our dinner at lunchtime just to confuse people even more.
I don’t mind my children having opinions but why do they all have to have different ones? He wants fish fingers, she wants sausages, we’re having noodles. Why can’t we all just meet in the middle? Anyone for fishy sausage and noodles? #nomnom
7. Keeping up with cool hashtag trends
Oh My God! Did she just #nomnom? How embarrassing! #sooverit
I simply do not have time to worry about this sort of shit, I have three different meals to make every bloody night. All this is exactly how it should be, after all I am a 43 year old mum of two living in a small town where the main attraction is two big rocks, I know fuck all about being cool and I’m totally happy about that – or do I mean #blessed?
Disentangling my daughters tights from her pants, segregating toddler t shirts entwined in toddler jumpers and peeling apart Daddy’s disgusting stinky socks that have somehow become enmeshed. How on earth has this happened? They’ve been removed from two separate limbs why are they now entangled like desperate lovers?
It’s a mystery, but not a good mystery where a man with a moustache steals a diamond necklace at a weekend shooting party and we find out my sister is really my mum. No this mystery involves a washing basket, two stinky socks and is unlikely to be serialised on tv anytime soon.
9. Statement necklaces
No reason really, I like them on other people but on me they look stupid. I don’t need jewellery that makes a statement I have my face. It says: leave me alone I am tired and angry.
This is not a new development I have never ironed I just wanted to renew my vows in a beautiful ceremony where I drink wine on the sofa watching Vikings while he irons his own damn shirts. Perfect.
Why not make your own list? It’s free and actually quite enjoyable. Let me know how you get on, that I at least have time for.