Raised by Vikings

Dear The Vikings,

I am writing to thank you for your continued support in the raising of my son, aged three, and your sterling work in getting him out of nappies and into pants ‘like what Vikings (and Pirates) wear’. Please pass on my kind regards to Sigurd Snake In the Eye and Ragnar Hairy Breeches, sorry for Grandad renaming your great King Ragnar Hairy Arse which is probably very disrespectful, also not the sort of thing you want a 3 year old shouting in the middle of Marks & Spencer whilst brandishing a baguette.

I would like to apologise for any cultural misrepresentation you may have suffered in our household, namely my stories of legendary viking sharing, teeth brushing and their dedication to tidy up time.

I am wondering if you have any idea how long I can legitimately get away with persuading a small boy to behave nicely ‘because that’s what the Vikings did’? My concern is that your reputation for being violent piratical heathens* is going to become a problem before too long when he realises that Vikings were not generally known for sitting nicely at the table and eating their lunch. I may have filled in a few gaps with my own interpretation of historical facts although nowhere in any of the books does it mention that this did not happen.

I imagine Ivar the Boneless leader of the Great Heathen Army would probably need to eat his dinner nicely before heading out on those exhausting raids of Northumbria. Where better to practice ripping open people’s rib cages and pulling out their lungs than over a tasty plate of fish fingers and peas?

Hold the cup with both hands if it hasn’t got a lid Mr Boneless!

Finally a quick word about bedtimes. Having no electricity and being in need of rest after a hard day being lusty and terrifying I’ve decided Vikings would probably be in bed for about 7pm with no getting up and coming downstairs for a glass of water and a snuggle. Do advise if it is any earlier.  (If it’s later I’m not interested).

Please could you let me know if it would be OK to perform a Viking ship burial for Queen Elsa & Princess Anna of Arendelle who were recently tragically poisoned at a very eventful teddy bear’s picnic? I feel this would be easier to arrange than burning Grandad at sea with all his belongings, especially as Grandad is currently in fine fettle (and we live miles away from the sea). Also since Elsa’s head fell off I’ve been looking for an excuse to get rid.

Many Thanks or as they say in Old Norse,

Na na na heyana

Hahiyaha naha

Naheya heya na yanuwa

Anhahe yunuwana**


*Wikipedia’s words not mine.

** may have got my Vikings & Frozen mixed up again, soz.


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