The first present Mr Eeh Bah ever bought me was a GPS running watch, a gift that sends two messages:

1. Do some exercise tubby

and

2. I’m going to track your every movement.

Neither of these are particularly romantic messages. We have been together for 6 years, have 2 wonderful children and are currently disengaged (he proposed, I said yes, we bought a ring, he changed his mind). Suffice to say Nora Ephron will not be making a film about our relationship any time soon (and not just because she’s dead).

Despite all this for some inexplicable reason I thought falling pregnant would be our big romantic moment. I blame Hollywood.  But in reality it was nothing like in the films, in fact I have to hand it to the film industry they have done a fantastic job transforming an event which involves pacing nervously around a cup of your own still warm piss into something magical.

We didn’t totally miss out on the drama though with a hit rate of 7 pregnancies for 2 children there were plenty of tense moments. The whole finding out we were pregnant thing became more of an ordeal than anything else. In film terms we’d be The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey rather than a romantic comedy (Mr Eeh Bah could be Richard Armitage so it’s not all bad news).

This week has been a big one for the Eeh Bah household. Our daughter started nursery and our son turns one. Not quite the stuff of Hollywood but enough excitement for me.

Here’s what I imagined finding out I was pregnant would be like:

SCENE ONE:

EEH BAH MUM  (played by Jennifer Lawrence) is struggling to fasten her jeans.

EEH BAH MUM:

Ey up ah think ah’ve shrunk me jeans luv.

(Said in a perfect Yorkshire accent, not like Anne Hathawayses in One Day.) MR EEH BAH (played by Daniel Craig) continues rubbing his naked torso with oil.

CUT TO:

Later that day EEH BAH MUM (if Jennifer is not available can we get Lake Bell?) is walking past a hot dog cart (in Yorkshire?) when she starts to feel unwell. She dashes to a bin and vomits glamorously.

CUT TO:

That evening EEH BAH MUM is snuggled up with MR EEH BAH (still Daniel Craig, still topless, still oily) on sofa choosing takeaway. He phones for pizza.

MR EEH BAH:

Yes she want’s a banana and anchovy pizza. Hang on a minute.

BEAT

Are you pregnant?

Camera pans down to reveal he is not wearing any trousers.

SCENE TWO:

In bathroom waiting for pregnancy test to display results. Daniel Craig has now completely run out of clothes…. (do we know what certificate this film is going to be?)

CUT TO:

Friends and family are gathered for summer garden party Ben Stiller is manning the barbecue, Vince Vaughn is handing out beers.

Mr & Mrs Eeh Bah call party to attention and announce that they are going to have a baby. Cheers, back slapping, corks popping.

THE END

Written & Produced by: Eeh Bah Mum

Stunts: Eeh Bah Daughter

Original Soundtrack by: Eeh Bah Son

No animals were harmed in the making of this post.