The first present Mr Eeh Bah ever bought me was a GPS running watch, a gift that sends two messages:
1. Do some exercise tubby
2. I’m going to track your every movement.
Neither of these are particularly romantic messages. We have been together for 6 years, have 2 wonderful children and are currently disengaged (he proposed, I said yes, we bought a ring, he changed his mind). Suffice to say Nora Ephron will not be making a film about our relationship any time soon (and not just because she’s dead).
Despite all this for some inexplicable reason I thought falling pregnant would be our big romantic moment. I blame Hollywood. But in reality it was nothing like in the films, in fact I have to hand it to the film industry they have done a fantastic job transforming an event which involves pacing nervously around a cup of your own still warm piss into something magical.
We didn’t totally miss out on the drama though with a hit rate of 7 pregnancies for 2 children there were plenty of tense moments. The whole finding out we were pregnant thing became more of an ordeal than anything else. In film terms we’d be The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey rather than a romantic comedy (Mr Eeh Bah could be Richard Armitage so it’s not all bad news).
This week has been a big one for the Eeh Bah household. Our daughter started nursery and our son turns one. Not quite the stuff of Hollywood but enough excitement for me.
Here’s what I imagined finding out I was pregnant would be like:
EEH BAH MUM (played by Jennifer Lawrence) is struggling to fasten her jeans.
EEH BAH MUM:
Ey up ah think ah’ve shrunk me jeans luv.
(Said in a perfect Yorkshire accent, not like Anne Hathawayses in One Day.) MR EEH BAH (played by Daniel Craig) continues rubbing his naked torso with oil.
Later that day EEH BAH MUM (if Jennifer is not available can we get Lake Bell?) is walking past a hot dog cart (in Yorkshire?) when she starts to feel unwell. She dashes to a bin and vomits glamorously.
That evening EEH BAH MUM is snuggled up with MR EEH BAH (still Daniel Craig, still topless, still oily) on sofa choosing takeaway. He phones for pizza.
MR EEH BAH:
Yes she want’s a banana and anchovy pizza. Hang on a minute.
Are you pregnant?
Camera pans down to reveal he is not wearing any trousers.
In bathroom waiting for pregnancy test to display results. Daniel Craig has now completely run out of clothes…. (do we know what certificate this film is going to be?)
Friends and family are gathered for summer garden party Ben Stiller is manning the barbecue, Vince Vaughn is handing out beers.
Mr & Mrs Eeh Bah call party to attention and announce that they are going to have a baby. Cheers, back slapping, corks popping.
Written & Produced by: Eeh Bah Mum
Stunts: Eeh Bah Daughter
Original Soundtrack by: Eeh Bah Son
No animals were harmed in the making of this post.