Required Knowledge, Skills, and Abilities
• Above average skills in: Cataloguing and maintenance of a variety of special sticks, leaves and pine cones.
All candidates should be able to identify and look after important sticks and any special stones selected from car parks. Colleagues will need to be kept updated of the movements of any special items (Yes darling your pine cones are still in my handbag.)
Any disposal of important sticks, leaves or pebbles will be considered gross misconduct.
• Demonstrated ability to: Still see people even when they are covering their own eyes.
Candidates will be expected to play a version of the popular game Hide & Seek which involves neither hiding nor seeking but simply counting to 10 then pretending not to see someone standing directly in front of you.
• Excellent skills in: Supervising junior colleagues with basic tasks.
Successful applicants will find themselves constantly being assisted by junior colleagues who are absolutely no assistance at all.
All offers of help are guaranteed to make the task in hand at least twice as difficult but must not ever be refused.
(Yes dear of course you can wash up – here is a bowl of soapy water for you to drown your brother in whilst I attempt to clean up after breakfast.)
• Demonstrated ability to: Consume vast quantities of both imaginary and plastic foodstuffs.
The right candidate will understand the complicated rules and regulations surrounding pretend picnics. Candidates will be expected to keep up with constant changes in these rules which will happen on an hourly basis with no notice.
Currently: the rabbit cannot sit next to the tractor, there is no cheese and no boys allowed on the blanket.
• Demonstrated ability to: point to the ceiling, point to the floor, point to the window and point to the door. Please do not apply if you cannot point to all the aforementioned areas.
• General knowledge of: Animal noises and actions (including dinosaurs).
Candidates will be expected to demonstrate advanced animal noises and actions at interview. Including giraffes, squid, camels and various fish (bloody Octonauts).
• Other: This role would suit applicants with a poor sense of smell or even no sense of smell whatsoever. If your sense of smell is acute we recommend not working closely with very young children.
Education and Experience
• Degree or equivalent experience: Ideally most candidates will have a firm grasp of the alphabet and be able to count to 20. Although if you do struggle with these basics no one will know. Just stick Numtums on.
• Active affiliations: The role would suit people with friends who have children of a similar age. Or friends who don’t mind bad smells, aggravation and have no interest in ever finishing a conversation again. Or people with no friends at all.
The role is physically demanding and will entail constant assault to the body and face from a wide range of plastic and wooden objects.
Applicants should be prepared to offer their earlobes and nostrils as climbing holds.
There will be biting.
Male candidates will be expected to carry colleagues on their shoulders until they are signed off as physically incapable by a chiropractor.
Female candidates should read our leaflet: ‘Giving Birth: 20 different ways to ruin your vagina.’