Do you really give a shit why I’m not following you on Twitter? Because I can tell you the answer but you won’t like it, it’s simple:
I think you’re boring and am uninterested in anything you have to say.
Sorry. But that’s the only reason.
If it softens the blow I should tell you I am a mum in her 40’s who spent most of the weekend watching YouTube videos of gardening. Why the fuck anyone would care if I follow them or not is beyond me. Your life and the things you are interested in are unimportant to me, not because they’re crap but because I have other things to worry about like how my son has managed to live stream the entire car journey to the supermarket on Periscope.
I’ve come up with a list of other reasons I could possibly not be following you on Twitter feel free to pick one of those if it makes you feel better. As I’ve already intimated I don’t really give a shit.
- You can’t spell.
- You are a brand not a person. Yes I like your tasty yogurt. No I don’t want to have a fucking conversation with it online.
- I don’t know who you are and your biog doesn’t tell me that either. I’m really not interested in the fact you drink too much wine or own a dog.
- I read your biog and decided you looked a bit annoying.
- I read your biog and decided you looked too exciting. I don’t want a Twitter feed full of people making my life look rubbish. *
- For a while there I was really into something that you were really into and now I’m not that into that thing anymore and I can’t for the life of me remember why I’m following you but it was nice while it lasted. Laters.
- You promoted a tweet. Twitter is like a virtual party and you just barged into the conversation shouting loudly about yourself. Fuck off.
- You sent 15 retweets in the space of 30 seconds all on the same subject. Unfollow.
- You asked me to retweet something. I didn’t want to. Unfollow. (Sorry you lost your dog.)
- My young son has been hitting random buttons on my smartphone and has mass unfollowed people.
- Actually my young son hitting random buttons on my smartphone was the reason I followed you in the first place.
- #all #your #tweets #look #like #they’ve #been #infected #by #some #kind #of #hashtag #disease.
- I’m following you on Facebook and Instagram and you’ve just said the exact same thing three times. However amazing you think your halloumi chipotle sandwich is no one needs to see a sandwich they are not eating more than once.
* this is bullshit, no one is not following you because you’re too fabulous.
One reason I am not, not following you is because you said something I disagree with. I have no problem with people expressing different opinions to mine, that’s what makes the world an interesting but fucked up place. If everybody thought exactly the same as me the world would still be totally fucked up and it would be boring too.
One of my favourite people on Twitter is @LouiseMensch – do I agree with the things she says? No, but at least she is never boring. For the exact same reason I don’t follow Katie Hopkins because she is boring. Everything she says is exactly the same. If Katie Hopkins was a form of music she’d be one loud, bowel shattering note played repeatedly to a crowd of drunk, angry morons wearing shit clothes. I don’t want to go to her concert thank you very much.
Sorry for not following you on Twitter, feel free to not follow me on twitter @eehbahmum
Have a nice day!