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Nature Vs Toddler

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I have a confession.

My Instagram feed is total bullshit.

I realised this when I looked at my profile and thought ‘Ooh that looks nice!’

Not that my life is not nice, it’s lovely.

I have a gorgeously grumpy fella and two beautifully annoying children.

We live in a nice house full of second hand stuff from charity shops which sounds bad but is actually good because we have impeccable taste in other peoples old shit.

But the lovely square snapshots you see are just that, edited highlights, zoomed in to cut out all the crap.

Here’s a more honest version of events:

 

on't moors - bah't'at of course

What Instagram Shows: Ilkley Moor

Look at us going for a walk in the countryside!

We live in Yorkshire and we are always out tromping across the moors looking for frogs and worms or whatever.

My children love nature, they don’t need plastic crap Made In China or Netflix or Loom bands.

What Really Happened:

This is the furthest we have ever been from the town centre since we moved here.

We only ventured on to the moors because we had visitors with dogs.

And several bags of Percy Pig sweets to use as bribes.

Anytime my children get more than 10 paces from the car the youngest screams for the pram and the 3 year old sobs that her legs hurt.

Daddy cannot seem to get his head round the fact that it takes for fucking ever to get anywhere with small children and ends up marching 50 yards in front moaning that we are all too slow.

Coming soon to a moor near me: Bilberries.

What Instagram Shows: Bilberries

I am VERY middle class.

I have a shelf full of poncey cookery books and I take my children foraging for nuts and berries which we then make into delicious pies.

What Really Happened:

Mummy is pissing about on Instagram again.

Both children point blank refuse to ‘look nice’ for pictures and are now pushing each other’s faces into nettles.

Mummy has spent the last 10 minutes taking shots of her chins and armpits in an attempt to capture a decent selfie.

(How the hell does Rihanna manage it? Has she got one freakishly long arm?)

Daddy is now out of sight and we are already down one whole bag of jelly sweets despite only being a quarter of the way there.

You’re right about the cookery books though, I do make delicious pies.

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What Instagram Shows: Sticky buds

Look at us learning through nature play!

Here we are experimenting with sticky buds.

Learning about plants and biology and shit.

Isn’t the countryside wonderful!

What Really Happened:

Don’t like it Mummy!

Get it off!

Get it off now!

In order to calm him down we have to eat ALL the sweets.

I have never felt so far from civilisation.

Alone on the moors with two pre school children and no snacks.

By my calculations we are at least 40 minutes from a decent cappuccino.

And that is not factoring in the 47 stops we will have to make to explain that we have no sweets until we get to the shops.

Please just walk you can have whatever you want. Whenever you want it. I promise.

We are never going for walk again.

Nature sucks.

But it does look good on pictures.

So the next time you are scrolling through someone’s social media remember the camera might never lie but smartphones are total fibbing bastards.

Follow me on Instagram for my wrinkly face, tasty pies and general awesomeness.

But remember: most of it is bullshit.

Except for the pies.

 

27 thoughts on “Nature Vs Toddler

  1. Love this post! It’s a great reminder that what families post on social media is very much the edited version of real life :)

  2. Yep- we never achieve a “family walk” because by the time we’re 10 paces from the car Daddy has disappeared over the horizon. More sweets for us tho!

  3. My daughter has an anti Instagram filter – as I try to get the perfect shot, she starts throwing, running towards anything spiky and headbutting my knees. Thank god for editing tools :)

  4. Oh yes. The Gruffalo Trail at Dalby Forest.
    Instagram/Facebook – aww, look, cute child with big carved Gruffalo, she must have loved it!
    Reality – “But it’s not *real* daddy, you said we’d see the Guffalo in the deep, dark wood. I WANT THE REAL ONE, NOW!”.

    And no one told us you’re supposed to do the trail on a pissing bike, either. W whole sodding afternoon’s walking to see cut outs of a snake, owl and mouse then the anti-climax of a wooden Gruffalo and a 2 mile hike back to the car.

    Never. Again.

  5. I loved this post its brilliant and so true. I’ve recently started a blog and after my partner read the first few posts he said “oh wow it makes us look like we do really good stuff, instead of constantly splitting up the boys and having time out from each other.”

  6. Great post, you have a wicked sense of humour which I love. You are so true and this is something I have been thinking for a while now, I even don’t follow some people anymore because I am fed up with their picture perfect lives. Real people make me feel more at home

  7. Hahahahaha, so funny. I’ve just sent a text to my husband about him wanting to walk our 9 year old half an hour through London – half an hour in his 6ft 4 legs walking time that is… I love looking at other people’s pictures, but never stop to think that there are perfect lives behind them :D

  8. Oh my goodness…just cried laughing and snorted tea down my nose. As a Yorks mum with 3 under 5s I relate to this. Furthest we get is Roundhay Park & that’s with promise of ice cream…Dad stays at home.

  9. Crikey, two toddlers are such a mission. I remember when I felt like I deserved a medal if I got out of the house and into town for a fluffy (frothy milk in espresso cup with hundreds and thousands on top). I think I only went to stuff in a jumbo muffin, scull a latte and see some people over two years old. Plus the youngest was fast asleep in her car seat for at least an hour and a half when I got home (in the garage). Enjoy! It will be over before you know it!

  10. You had me with this: I have a gorgeously grumpy fella and two beautifully annoying children. Love the honesty and wit, and SO with you about embellished pictures of our lives. Brilliant idea to write ‘the reality’ of your Instagram pics – my kids are 1 and 3 so you’re basically describing our attempts to go on walks etc. I wrote a bit about this, and thought you might like it http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/mother-tongue/10879191/Im-sick-of-parents-abusing-100happydays-on-Facebook-to-show-off-perfect-lives.html

  11. Well certainly a Country Kids post with a difference! This post does bring back memories of days like this with young children and a stroppy husband but it really does change when they get just a year or two older. Don’t despair of Country Walks, they really can be fun. I don’t recommend a trip to Coombe Mill though, at least half an hour by car for a decent cappuccino!

    • It’s OK I’ll bring my own coffee – your place looks amazing. I have not been deterred they love being out of doors i’ll have them marching over the moors in no time!

  12. My holiday snaps from our spanish holiday with a 14month old and 2 other children are wonderful, they show us sitting on the beach enjoying our first cold beer, what it doesn’t show is the major meltdown by the toddler because she has a grain of sand on her toe and her then complete refusal to ever go near the beach again without the screaming abdabs.
    Bit of a problem when you are staying in a beach front apartment having planned the whole holiday around the beach.
    It took a whole week before we realised the answer to our problem, crisps, she carried a bowl with her that we kept constantly filled.

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