How to name your baby.

Naming a baby is the fun part of having children.

Personally I think the mother has final say in the decision because no one should argue with a woman who’s just given birth – even if she is off her face on gas and air and wants to call the baby Biscuitfingers. (I would LOVE to meet a child called Biscuitfingers.)

There is some debate as to whether you should let people know what names you’re considering before the baby arrives.

On one hand every time I mentioned my favourite name to people they sniggered and said it reminded them of vaginas.

On the other hand if I had kept schtum my daughter would be wandering round reminding people of vaginas.

People often like to wait until baby arrives and see what s/he looks like before they choose a name.

This has always struck me as a dumb idea.

Your baby will look like an angry walnut.

They all do.

Unless Angry Walnut is one of the names on your list seeing your baby will not help.

You’ll just spend the next week wondering if she looks a more like a Maya or an Evie when she poos.

Mr Eeh Bah and I are the very last in both our families to have children – great for hand me downs – terrible for choice of names available.

It’s worth remembering that if you become a mum later in life all the best family names will have gone.

We also had a tricky time finding names that worked with both a southern and a northern accent.

I met a woman who had named her baby boy Oak, a lovely name until I ruined it by pronouncing it with a Yorkshire accent.

Every time I grunted his name it sounded like I had been punched in the stomach yet it was her face that contorted in pain.

If you are looking for inspiration Mr Eeh Bah’s name choosing theory was this: If I was a teenager at a party and I met someone with this name would I want to get drunk with them or punch them?

(Mine was: Will people think of sex organs when they hear this name?)

It’s good to look at the things you love for an inspirational namesake.

I am a huge fan of all things 1920’s. (Weird that I love reading about the escapades of the Bright Young Things but think that all the cast of Made In Chelsea are massive twats.)

Eeh Bah daughter is named after one of the first women to have bobbed hair – she caused uproar when she was spotted on the streets of London wearing trousers and whistling for a taxi.

It is only now I write this that I realise the modern day equivalent would be Anne Hathaway getting out of a car with no knickers on. (It seems my daughter was destined to remind me of vaginas.)

To be honest I’m not sure why we even bothered with proper names Eeh Bah daughter usually goes by the name of Pookins or Bubbles and Eeh Bah son has now advanced from Dick Douche to Ting Tongs.

Be warned whatever name you painstakingly select you will immediately meet 10 other babies with the same name all of whom will be in the same school year as your child  – one of whom will be an absolute dick.

Oh and if anyone does choose Biscuitfingers please let me know.

Happy name choosing!

5 thoughts on “How to name your baby.

  1. Actually, it doesn’t matter what name you call your children as ultimately they will change it for you. My 2-year-old Jack and his mate Gracie call each other Cack (she has progressed from Cock) and Gong-Gong, respectively. They have another friend they call Wang, which isn’t what he was christened.

  2. Seriouslystop making me laugh so hard ihave a few days left before this baby comes out of me and your assisting to an early birth. Btw angry wallnut is a great name as is biscuit fingers i will give these serious thought Least they are original

  3. I WAS one of those girls who had ten other people in her class with the same name (Nell’s not my real name….) My partner D was the same. It was hell; I was always getting mixed up with the one that wet herself frequently at school. To (over)compensate, we’ve given our children unusual names. Hopefully it won’t mean they’re forever getting their heads kicked in.

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