My embarrassing secret!

I have a confession.

Regular readers of this blog will know that I have never painted myself as the best mother.

I’m not sure trying to be the best mum is a great use of any woman’s energy.  Small children are hard work and trying to be ‘the best’ at looking after them is a waste of time – I’m the only mum they’ve got so therefore I am automatically the best and the worst mum they will ever have.

Deal with it kiddos.

So far I’ve admitted that I bribe my children with sweets, compared my daughter to Margaret Thatcher and called my son a dick . I openly admit that I sometimes find looking after small children dull and unrewarding.

But today I am going to blow all those previous admissions out of the water with the single most embarrassing confession ever:

I bloody love my children.

I mean really love them. Loads and loads and loads.

I write about them as though they are annoying little shits – which they are –  but despite all the swears the secret truth is that I think they’re both wonderful.

In fact I know you’re totally not meant to admit this EVER but I think my children are the best children I’ve ever met.

Sorry to upset anyone but it’s the truth.

Don’t worry I haven’t completely lost my mind. I still don’t like other people’s children.

Your kids for example?

I don’t like them.

At all.

Before I had children I assumed you had to be all ‘I love kids me’ to enjoy being a mum but the surprising truth about becoming a mother is that you can actually be a bit ‘meh’ about children and still enjoy having your own.

Starting a family helps you understand why children are so annoying. Plus once you’ve had your own baby it’s definitely less terrifying being in a room with other peoples babies.

When you first bring home a new born baby you are engulfed with a huge wave of love.

New mums who find themselves drowning in this love are often called baby bores – stupid bloody women getting all soppy and embarrassing over their babies – show some respect woman! Stop posting pictures of your baby on social media NO ONE CARES!

Except that’s kind of the point of being a mum isn’t it?

Sometimes I look at my children sleeping and tears well up in my eyes because they are SO FRICKIN’ PERFECT.

Four years on and by now I’d assumed that the huge waves of love would have subsided but they haven’t I’ve just got better at navigating them.

I love my children just as much as I did in those early days and now I’m not even off my face on drugs or out of my mind with sleep deprivation anymore.

When I see either of my children naked I literally want to eat them. I want to bite into their squishy bums. I want to lick their faces. I chase them around the house demanding mummy cuddles.

Sorry if that makes me sound weird or drippy but hey guess what ?

You can really love your children AND still find them an endless source of amusement.

Hopefully they will say the same thing about me one day.

26 thoughts on “My embarrassing secret!

  1. Nice post. But I don’t understand. How can your children be the best ones when I’ve got the best one? Pretty much every evening my husband and I look at each other and ask how we managed to get the BEST child in the whole universe. Pathetic. I know. Obviously I hide this belief when in public or no one would want to hang out with me.

  2. Feel exactly the same. If anything though, I dislike other kids even more than before I had kids. Last weekend at soft play I stared down 4 10 year olds who were trying to crash my kid’s go on the trampoline. I think I slightly made one of them cry. I don’t even care, there goes my kid on the trampoline, she is the best trampolining toddler ever.

  3. This is the post they’re going to cut out and keep. I could never understand people taking the mickey out of their kids before i had mine. We do it with out mates and still love them don’t we? I actually tried to take a bite out of my son when he was a toddler and he just cried. What’s the matter with him anyway?

  4. Thank you for writing this. I’m currently trying to decide if I want kids (I’m pretty close to the end of the window of natural possibility) and I’m a bit ‘meh’ as you put it. I’ve read your blog quite a lot and find it hilarious. But it also makes me question whether it’s something I really want to do. It sounds so bloody hard and frustrating. I hear lots about how difficult it is, but very little about how rewarding it is. This post is exactly what I needed to read. Thank you!

    • Hazel, it is bloody hard, but oh my god it is worth it. You do have to just knuckle down and get through baby and toddler, but it does get a whole lot better. I was like you, not sure what I wanted. But it was
      Definitely the best decision I ever made. I now have the best child in the world ever and most days are an absolute joy with her.

    • Hazel, I never ever wanted kids EVER!!! I now have a 6 year old daughter ( i fell pregnant two weeks after our wedding…How the hell did that Happen?!) A 5 Year old (My husband was seriously ill and they thought he was dying.. It was the result of just the once in three Months!!! damn those teenagers aren’t lying it does just take one time sometimes) and a two Year old Son…. What can I say I decided if I couldn’t beat I em I would join them ( I now know what causes the situation and have taken adequate steps to ensure it doesn’t happen again… EVER! we have no more spare room ANYWHERE.. Six years in to the journey of being a mum I have learnt that yes its hard, exhausting and frustrating and dangerous my house is like a minefield.. toys everywhere just waiting to be tripped over in the middle of the night. But I can honestly say Being a mum is the best thing in the world EVER, it makes you happier (when your not crying from frustration and exhaustion lol) Then you could ever imagine possible and they are seriously funny and best of all they love you just the way you are!!! 🙂

  5. Hi Kirsty,
    I assume when you said you hope your kids say the same about you, you didn’t mean the biting squishy bums, face licking etc… Each to their own though.

    Not sure if it’s weird for blokes to think the same way about their kids but I do anyway. Even though I know I’m second best to their Mum (and completely irrelevant to them in their first year or so). Don;t think I’d bring I’d mention it in a conversation to my mates though, best kept to myself.

  6. My baby was colicky and cried constantly for the first five months. I kept saying to her (not that she understood), It’s a good thing you’re so cute, but the truth is, from the moment she was born, the level of love I felt for her dwarfed anything I’d ever felt (and same for babies #2 and #3). Good thing those hormones kick in at the beginning or there’d be no human race–at least a human race with colicky babies. And that phrase, “I could eat you up” is (almost) literally true. Again, if it were, no human race. And that would be a very sad thing, considering that our children are the very best things that ever happened to us, despite the time, energy, annoyances, and cost. Great post!

  7. Sometimes it’s like you steal all the words from inside my head and write them down for me! So refreshing to read the ‘real’ truths for a change!

  8. Sometimes it’s like you steal all the words from inside my head and write them down for me! So refreshing to read the ‘real’ truths for a change!

  9. Yes! Yes! Yes! I just spontaneously burst into tears after reading this as I thought about how my 2.5 year old came up and threw her arms around me for no reason. She’s also been so good and has not tried to kill her 9 week old baby sister once this week.

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  11. Yeeeees! I totally agree. I often look at other parents (sometimes my friends) and feel sorry for them, their kids just aren’t as amazing as mine! I still can’t really be bothered with other peoples children although I do pretend for the sake of politeness. Even though mine are covered in molluscum and associated scratch marks I too feel a strange urge to consume their naked bodies. And don’t get me started on sleeping……even their snores are adorable. I got it bad!

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  13. Aw, baby booty biting rocks doesn’t it? Nature makes them so perfect for a reason I guess. Got to throw us mums a bone somehow! x

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