A while ago I wrote about the subtext behind the conversations I have with Eeh Bah Daughter and Mr Eeh Bah.
I feel I should come clean.
Most of the things I say are total bollocks too.
Here are a few examples of things I say on a daily basis, all of which mean totally different things.
No wonder children find adults so confusing.
No you can’t have another biscuit!
Shh! Stop asking for biscuits in public I’ve told everyone you only eat bananas and dried apricots for snack. Meet me in the toilets in 5 mins and I’ll stuff your tiny pockets full of bourbons.
Please sit nicely!
Stop waving your arse in my face. It is all I have seen all day. I’m worried that if you go missing and I have to describe you to the authorities all I will be able to say is that you are wearing purple Peppa Pig knickers with light to moderate staining.
Can you pick up your stuff?
Please, please, please follow one simple instruction while we are out in public. I am trying to maintain the pretence that I’m in charge.
What do you want to eat?
I’ve already made pasta. I’m only asking because I’ve made pasta. You always ask for pasta. There really is no point in asking this question. I wish I had an adult to talk to.
Shall we have a picnic?
I cannot face picking any more bits of food off the floor. All the rugs are fucked and I think I heard the vacuum cleaner crying earlier.
Do you want to go to the park?
I do NOT want to go to the park. If I wanted to go to the park we would be there. I am clinging to the faint hope that if I give you the choice you may decide you want to go home. Please say you want to go home.
Shall we walk or take the car?
I cannot decide which is going to be more annoying. Wrestling you in to those bloody stupid seats or walking so slowly my legs will need re-waxing twice before we make it to the corner shop.
Who wants to bake a cake?
Daddy has eaten all my secret Tunnocks stash again.
Shall we snuggle up and watch a film?
Please go to sleep so I can watch Gossip Girl.
Let’s put Frozen on!
I am literally at breaking point. I cannot take anymore. I would rather listen to your appalling rendition of ‘Let It Go’ than deal with anymore toddler traumas today.
Let’s do some painting!
Something has gone terribly wrong. Mummy has either been abducted by aliens or is being held at gunpoint in the other room, either way I am sending you a warning. If you hear these words please go seek help immediately.