Eeh Bah Mum’s house, a senior police officer is briefing two juniors.

SENIOR POLICE OFFICER

Right so we have a missing person, Kirsty Smith aka Eeh Bah Mum. Last seen at this address, forensics have been through her computer and they’ve found some disturbing things on there.

SGT. JULIA DONALDSON

What sort of stuff sir?

SENIOR POLICE OFFICER

She watched a video of a train journey through Russia some guy had filmed on his phone.

SGT. JULIA DONALDSON

That’s not that weird.

SENIOR POLICE OFFICER

It was 3 hours long.

SENIOR POLICE OFFICER

She’d also been watching grown adults on YouTube opening Kinder Surprise eggs and the day she disappeared she’d viewed one episode of Paw Patrol 47 times.

SGT. ROGER HARGREAVES

Well it does have a very catchy theme tune.

SENIOR POLICE OFFICER

Hmm. You two need to go through this place and find something that might point to where Eeh Bah Mum has gone and why.

The two officers search the bedroom, it is a mess. Oh hang on scrap that, this is my script I can make shit up.

The two officers search the bedroom it is really clean and tidy, the sheets have even been ironed and there are definitely no dribble marks on the pillows. All the underwear in the the drawers matches and there is a full length mirror that has never been cried into.

SGT. JULIA DONALDSON

Holy shit look at this!

She pulls out the contents of the washing basket and empties several pairs of socks on to the floor.

SGT. ROGER HARGREAVES

Socks innit.

SGT. JULIA DONALDSON

But why are they like this? All bundled together. This person needs help.

SGT. ROGER HARGREAVES

You got that from socks?

SGT. JULIA DONALDSON

Think about it, whoever did this removed their dirty socks and then folded them together.

SGT. ROGER HARGREAVES

And?

SGT. JULIA DONALDSON

So the person who does the washing would then have to separate two smelly disgusting socks before putting them in the wash.

SGT. ROGER HARGREAVES

Nope still don’t get why that’s a problem. Let’s go check the kitchen.

They search the kitchen. It is fucking immaculate, the freezer is filled with hearty home made stuff and there are no packets of cheapo supernoodles hidden under the sink.

SGT. JULIA DONALDSON

This is weird.

Julia Donaldson pulls out an empty jug and hands it to Roger Hargreaves who sniffs it.

SGT. ROGER HARGREAVES

It’s just a jug. A water jug.

SGT. JULIA DONALDSON

But there isn’t any water in it. Why would anyone put it back in the fridge empty?

SGT. ROGER HARGREAVES

Dunno.

Roger Hargreaves puts the jug back in the fridge.

SGT. JULIA DONALDSON

And look at this.

She pulls out a block of cheese covered in tiny bite marks.

SGT. ROGER HARGREAVES

Some freaky shit has gone down in this house. Look here!

Roger Hargreaves picks up the fruit bowl – every single piece of fruit has had one tiny bite taken out of it. Julia Donaldson opens a drawer and stares in horror.

SGT. JULIA DONALDSON

I think we need to radio for back up.

Some time later. Roger and Julia are covered in  foil blankets sobbing into cups of tea as forensic officers remove ‘clues’ from the house.

SENIOR POLICE OFFICER

What happened in there Hargreaves?

SGT. ROGER HARGREAVES

I don’t know Sir. We found a  drawer of broken heads and dismembered limbs. Tiny, plastic, broken bits of animals and people.

SENIOR POLICE OFFICER

And we still don’t know where she went?

SGT. JULIA DONALDSON

Wherever she is Sir, she’s in a better place.